I am currently in between my third and fourth chemo
sessions. I had my third chemo session
on Monday July 30th and my fourth session will be on Friday
August 17th. It was just my
Mom and I for this one and I remember being pretty moody (sorry again
Momma!). Now that I had two sessions
under my belt; I knew pretty much what to expect and I have come to really
dread going to the hospital. I really
dislike chemotherapy. Just the thought
of it starts to make me feel a little sick; that and being in a huge cancer
treatment building is not easy. Like I
have said before; it is really hard to see so many people going through what I
am going through; and in many cases doing worse than I am doing. It is just heart wrenching. It’s hard to be in pain myself let alone see
so many other lives in it as well. I
wish I could just make it all go away… But
I am learning that I can't, but rather what I can do is show people the love and hope I have found in Christ and allow His light to shine through me and hopefully
it will spread to everyone I encounter. The
treatment went well; it goes smoothly. I
got to the hospital around 9am and I think we left around 5pm. It’s all become routine. I know the nurses and “technicians” that
normally work with me. I try to "leave my mark" on them as they all get hugs from me when I am there (just one simple way I
like to “spread God's love”). I get my
blood work done in the morning; have breakfast after in the cafeteria, and then
hangout until my nurse is ready for me to receive the chemo. I take some pills before we start and then I
just lounge out in a reclining chair for the next 5-6 hours receiving the chemo. The Benadryl makes me quite sleepy so I tend
to sleep for a couple of those hours. I
would read or do other stuff but it’s hard to do with only one arm as my other
one has the IV in my forearm. My Mom had
bought some chocolate hazelnut Pirouline sticks to give to people so I did that
at the end of my treatment. I was
feeling alright on the drive back home but I quickly started to feel the chemo
again. I pretty much passed out once I got home after I ate dinner. It really hits me hard the night of now.
A really bright note though is that my blood work & toxicity levels continue to look good and my doctor is very pleased. My white blood cells and my neutrophils had even gone back up to low-mid normal levels!
A really bright note though is that my blood work & toxicity levels continue to look good and my doctor is very pleased. My white blood cells and my neutrophils had even gone back up to low-mid normal levels!
The next 5-7 days after chemo are the roughest, as I have come to
expect now. My body is really bombarded
each time I receive chemo so I am just out of energy a lot and at my weakest
then. I take Prednisone those first 5
days of each chemo treatment which is a steroid and is part of my chemo
treatment. It makes me kind of moody and
emotional (more so than normal lol) and it also really messes up my sleeping
habits. I haven’t had a good night’s
rest in months. I am always up in the middle
of the night and have lots of trouble staying asleep. I notice a lot in these days that my kidneys
and liver tend to feel really hot. I don’t
really know how else to explain it other than that my sides feel really warm/hot; but
I never have a fever or anything. My
best guess is that it is because my bodies’ purifiers are just running on
overdrive constantly; especially once I get more chemo. It’s why I drink TONS of water and incorporate
liquids with electrolytes (homemade Gatorade) everyday so that I am constantly
flushing my body out. I notice it also
helps to rid me of the awful polluted feeling that I always get. It’s just a strange feeling; hard to explain
except to say that you just feel really toxic.
I can just tell my body has been “poisoned” and I just feel so
unbalanced and for lack of a better word; yucky! These tend to be my worst days each
session. Physically I have been
doing so much better than expected and definitely have not experienced the
worst of what could be happening; but my body is still quite weak most days. This isn’t too hard to deal with on its own;
where I REALLY struggle is in the emotional and mental department. While having cancer and going through chemo
is physically demanding; your mind and emotions are what is really tested! I really have to battle each and every day to
even just handle this difficult journey one day at a time. It’s not easy at all. I have my bad days where I am just really sad
and get depressed. I get scared that the
chemo isn’t working and that I will have to go through more of this past
October. I get anxious because I just want
to feel normal again. I dread the chemo
and there are days that I just want to “give up”. I feel overwhelmed by my isolation and loss
of independence and everything else that comes with having cancer. There are days where it
all builds up and I literally just cry and pray. For instance, I was having a rough day the
other day, called my Dad crying and talked to him as I “vented”. It helped to talk to him and it just reminds
me that God never meant for us to be alone in this life.
God is always there for me and is all I need; but I think people take that too literally and don’t realize that God is not just a deity up in heaven. He lives in all of us and is present everywhere. I feel him in music, I feel him in rays of sunshine, I feel Him during a sunrise and sunset, I feel Him on a hike and at the view of mountain top, I feel Him at the beach, and I certainly can feel His love coming from my family and friends; if I take the time to "look" hard enough, I can almost see Him and feel Him everywhere.
I honestly don’t think I could do this without all your love and support; or at least it would be infinitely harder! I might sound like a “broken record” at times but that’s because my current life is like a CD, playing on repeat. I have to deal with the same things every 3 weeks. There is no escaping it. I can’t just take a magic pill to cure me or end all the pain and fear. I can’t take a drive or go for a bike ride to help release the stress whenever I want to. I can’t get away. I am trapped… but what I try to do is just bunker myself in. I can’t change my circumstances, but I can change how I allow them to affect me! That is what I am trying to do; to seek God and find hope and strength through Him and through the trials.
My Dad recently ran the TDBank Beach to Beacon 10K road race last Saturday. It was kind of a hard day for me because I had run it the past 2 years in a row and had been looking forward to doing it a 3rd consecutive year. However, a friend of his took my Bib and they both ran in my honor wearing t-shirts dedicated to me. On the back it said, “we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails”. It is such a good quote describing my life right now. I can’t really control much in my life right (which I believe God is trying to teach me through) but what I can do is “adjust my sails” and try each and every day to seek God and make the best out of my circumstances. Easier said than done sometimes but not impossible; for ALL things are possible with God!
God is always there for me and is all I need; but I think people take that too literally and don’t realize that God is not just a deity up in heaven. He lives in all of us and is present everywhere. I feel him in music, I feel him in rays of sunshine, I feel Him during a sunrise and sunset, I feel Him on a hike and at the view of mountain top, I feel Him at the beach, and I certainly can feel His love coming from my family and friends; if I take the time to "look" hard enough, I can almost see Him and feel Him everywhere.
I honestly don’t think I could do this without all your love and support; or at least it would be infinitely harder! I might sound like a “broken record” at times but that’s because my current life is like a CD, playing on repeat. I have to deal with the same things every 3 weeks. There is no escaping it. I can’t just take a magic pill to cure me or end all the pain and fear. I can’t take a drive or go for a bike ride to help release the stress whenever I want to. I can’t get away. I am trapped… but what I try to do is just bunker myself in. I can’t change my circumstances, but I can change how I allow them to affect me! That is what I am trying to do; to seek God and find hope and strength through Him and through the trials.
My Dad recently ran the TDBank Beach to Beacon 10K road race last Saturday. It was kind of a hard day for me because I had run it the past 2 years in a row and had been looking forward to doing it a 3rd consecutive year. However, a friend of his took my Bib and they both ran in my honor wearing t-shirts dedicated to me. On the back it said, “we cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails”. It is such a good quote describing my life right now. I can’t really control much in my life right (which I believe God is trying to teach me through) but what I can do is “adjust my sails” and try each and every day to seek God and make the best out of my circumstances. Easier said than done sometimes but not impossible; for ALL things are possible with God!
The pastor at the church I attend down here had a great
message the other Sunday. It was titled ‘wise
guys’ and was based out of Proverbs chapter 30 verses 24-28 with a few other
verses. His four main points were as
follows.
#1 The wise Prepare
for what’s coming.
“Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but
hasty shortcuts lead to poverty.” – Proverbs 21:5
#2 The wise acknowledge their need for help.
“The Lord mocks the
mockers but is gracious to the humble.” –
Proverbs 3:34
“The Lord has become my fortress, and my
God the rock in whom I take refuge.” – Psalm 94:22
#3 The wise understand the power of “us”.
“I also pray that you will
understand the incredible greatness of God's power for us who believe him. This
is the same mighty power” – Ephesians 1:19
“By his divine power, God has given us everything we need
for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him,
the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and
excellence.” – 2 Peter 1:3
“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we
ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes
it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.” – 2 Corinthians
4:7
#4 The wise are constantly persevering.
“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.
Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be
opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And
to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.” – Matthew 7:7-8
“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just
the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore,
whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone, especially to
those in the family of faith.” – Galatians 6:9-10
This sermon was great for me in many ways. It reminded me to continue to seek God’s wisdom
in/for my life. They are also just great
ways to strive to live by. Sometimes we
need to be proactive rather than just reactive.
We need to be less prideful and more humble; not being afraid to seek
help when we need it. Asking for help
isn’t something to be “afraid” of. It
doesn’t mean you are weak; rather that you have enough courage to admit that
you could do something better with anothers help or advice. It makes me think of our lives; we are
capable of living really great lives if we simply seek God’s word on how to
live it. It reminded me of the power of
two and that there is power in numbers; the greatest power being when our
lives are aligned with God. Ever heard
the phrase, “Two heads are better than one”; well it’s not just a smart thing
to say; it’s quite true and quite wise.
“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12a
“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12a
^a great verse for couples to be reminded of (I will be
writing a post about my thoughts on love and marriage sometime in the future;
just a heads up, this verse will be in there! =P)
Like I said before; we aren’t meant to live alone in this life. Lastly and probably my favorite key point was number four; that the wise are constantly persevering. It was a very inspiring reminder for me with all that I am going through right now. I will continue to fight! Even when it is hard, I will keep pressing on; and pressing into God! When times are hard is when it is most important to seek God; because the trials of our lives don’t just happen; there is always something that can be learned from them. Also, no matter what, NEVER “become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we shall reap a harvest as long as we DO NOT GIVE UP…” <------ SO important to remember.
“So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars,
and the world’s brilliant debaters? God
has made the wisdom of this world look foolish.
Since God in His wisdom saw to it that the world would never know Him
through human wisdom, He has used our foolish preaching to save those who
believe. It is foolish to the Jews, who
ask for signs from heaven. And it is foolish to the Greeks, who seek human
wisdom. So when we preach that Christ
was crucified, the Jews are offended and the Gentiles say its all
nonsense. But to those called by God to
salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of
God. This ‘foolish’ plan of God is wiser
than the wisest of human plans, and God’s weakness is stronger than the
greatest of human strength.” – 1 Corinthians 1:20-25
Basically that verse is reaffirming to us that we cannot
seek or trust in our own understand of things, but rather seek and trust in God’s
wisdom.
In my devotional Jesus
Calling, the August 7th reading was a great reminder of how we
should trust in God’s wisdom and not our own.
As a reminder it is written as if God was speaking to you; it reads:
“Understanding will never bring you Peace. That's why I
have instructed you to trust in Me, not
in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to
figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But
the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you
master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had
anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for
understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master). The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never
think his way through to Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of
futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to
the will of his wives by worshiping idols.
My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some
complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is
inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious
Peace.”
Check out Proverbs 3:5-6, Romans 5:1 and 2 Thessalonians3:16 as they go along with the devotional for the day.
To help me deal with the isolation and loneliness I sometimes feel, which does happen even living with my grandparents; I first and foremost try and make it a priority to pray a lot and do a Bible study every day with my Nanny & Pop-pop. I also try and see my cousin Melissa once a week or so. I have started to volunteer at the church; which is rewarding all by itself. I have expressed to the pastor that I want to get involved there and we are trying to put together a connection group for 20-30 year olds that I will co-lead with his daughter and maybe the music minister; pumped! Lately I have been meeting with him as well as his wife which I talked about before. It’s great to pick his brain and just have some good Godly fellowship and his wife is AWESOME! I feel like we are just two peas in a pod sometimes. Her friendship has been such a blessing down here. I even went with her to a workout class she teaches and actually got a pretty darn good workout. My legs were sore for two days! It has been really great because I get to get out of the house (so important being an extrovert), have some fun with people, and I showed myself that I can still workout as long as I am careful and smart when doing it. I can only workout around the last 5-8 days before my next chemo treatment, depending on how my body feels. Those are the best days because I have come to find it is when I feel the strongest during each chemo session. Each session is roughly 21 days apart. The first 7 days my body is really beaten up and needs rest, the middle 7 days are when the chemo affect my white blood cell levels the most and make me feel weak and lightheaded at times, and the last 7 days are my ‘recovery’ days when my body has started to replace the killed white blood cells. Listening to my body though is really important; I can’t push myself too far or else I could be doing more harm than good.
To help me deal with the isolation and loneliness I sometimes feel, which does happen even living with my grandparents; I first and foremost try and make it a priority to pray a lot and do a Bible study every day with my Nanny & Pop-pop. I also try and see my cousin Melissa once a week or so. I have started to volunteer at the church; which is rewarding all by itself. I have expressed to the pastor that I want to get involved there and we are trying to put together a connection group for 20-30 year olds that I will co-lead with his daughter and maybe the music minister; pumped! Lately I have been meeting with him as well as his wife which I talked about before. It’s great to pick his brain and just have some good Godly fellowship and his wife is AWESOME! I feel like we are just two peas in a pod sometimes. Her friendship has been such a blessing down here. I even went with her to a workout class she teaches and actually got a pretty darn good workout. My legs were sore for two days! It has been really great because I get to get out of the house (so important being an extrovert), have some fun with people, and I showed myself that I can still workout as long as I am careful and smart when doing it. I can only workout around the last 5-8 days before my next chemo treatment, depending on how my body feels. Those are the best days because I have come to find it is when I feel the strongest during each chemo session. Each session is roughly 21 days apart. The first 7 days my body is really beaten up and needs rest, the middle 7 days are when the chemo affect my white blood cell levels the most and make me feel weak and lightheaded at times, and the last 7 days are my ‘recovery’ days when my body has started to replace the killed white blood cells. Listening to my body though is really important; I can’t push myself too far or else I could be doing more harm than good.
Today I went on my 3 mile run that I do now in between
each chemo session. It felt so good
after and so bad during haha. The first
mile was again the toughest as my body screamed at me, but this time around, it
felt a little easier than last time and I was able to jog more than walk this
time. My pace was still pretty awful,
but improved from last time. Running is
such a love/hate relationship. It’s
tough to do, but is a great way for me to challenge myself and overcome
something; as there is not much I can actively use in that department these
days. It tires me out and my body hurts
afterwards, but the mental win is worth it all; plus I kind of like the soreness
in my chest as my lungs expand against my ribs (weird?) lol.
I am really pumped for this month. August is shaping up to be awesome; starting
with that my doctor has finally approved me to fly and I am on my way to Maine
tomorrow! One of my favorite things to
do in the summer is travel and take road trips; which clearly I have been
unable to do so getting up north to just get away and spend time with some
great people who I dearly miss will be awesome!
Also, FOOTBALL IS BACK and the pre-season has begun. If you know me, you know that I love football
and am a diehard Redskins fan!! My cousin
Chad got tickets to the Colts vs. Redskins preseason game on August 25th
and my buddy Ben from Maine who is a Colts fan will be flying down for that
weekend and coming to the game with us to enjoy some Andrew Luck vs. RG3
action! It’s going to be a great
month. =)
One last devotional before I let you guys go until my next post. This one in Jesus Calling was from yesterday August 10th and really brought me some comfort in its words. It reads:
One last devotional before I let you guys go until my next post. This one in Jesus Calling was from yesterday August 10th and really brought me some comfort in its words. It reads:
“Relax in My healing, holy Presence. Allow Me to
transform you through this time alone with Me. As your thoughts center more and
more on Me, trust displaces fear and worry. Your mind is somewhat like a
seesaw. As your trust in Me goes up, fear and worry automatically go down. Time
spent with Me not only increases your trust; it also helps you discern what is
important and what is not. Energy and
time are precious, limited entities. Therefore, you need to use them wisely,
focusing on what is truly important. As you walk close to Me, saturating your
mind with Scripture, I will show you how to spend your time and energy. My Word is a lamp to your feet; My Presence is
a Light for your path.”
Read Ephesians 5:15-16 and Psalm 119:105 as they go along
with this devotional.
I challenge you this next week to be wise; not just what you perceive as wisdom but to be truly wise; and don’t be afraid to open up, don’t be scared to let love in, to trust, and to never stop fighting for what you believe in and in achieving your goals!
I challenge you this next week to be wise; not just what you perceive as wisdom but to be truly wise; and don’t be afraid to open up, don’t be scared to let love in, to trust, and to never stop fighting for what you believe in and in achieving your goals!
You are never alone, God is always there.
I love you guys,
I love you guys,
Take care & God Bless
In Him,
-Matthew =)
Today’s Music:
Pandora playlists:
Britt Nicole Radio,
Kari Jobe Radio,
and Dance Cardio Radio
As well as
