Okay, let me be more honest and rephrase that…
Yesterday I half ran (more like jogged) 3.27 miles
in 96°F
heat (felt like 100°F degrees with humidity) and did 25 pushups before I ran
(19 at once and then 6 more) and then did another 25 after the “run” (15 at
once and then 10 more). =P
Now, maybe this might not seem like much of an
accomplishment, but for me it was. For a
guy who hasn’t ran in about 2 months, has lost about 30lbs over the past 9-10
months (including plenty of muscle), has cancer, is currently undergoing
chemotherapy and is taking drugs/medicines that make him dizzy and lightheaded
at times and that tell him he shouldn’t be in prolonged sunlight exposure, it’s
a good sized accomplishment; one that I probably shouldn’t have done to be
honest, but I needed to yesterday.
What made me think doing that was an acceptable thing to
do? I started to read Lance Armstrong’s
book, “It’s Not About the Bike” and after only 25 pages, I was PUMPED
UP!!! Now you can say whatever you want
about Lance Armstrong, maybe he has cheated and maybe he hasn’t but what you
can’t deny is that the man has been through A LOT and I can relate because when
he found out about his cancer, he was only 1 year older than me; 25 years old. Just after the few pages I read, his life and
determination got me motivated. I know I
am going to beat the cancer inside, I am absolutely determined to live on and
to keep letting God work in me and through me during this time. As ridiculous as this sounds, I started to
envision myself playing in the NFL. I
was so jacked up with raw purpose that I could see myself, after this is all
over, getting coached on football. I
secretly have always regretted not trying out for football in high school because
I love the sport and I love playing it!
I like to play QB and Free Safety.
I like to command the field. I
think if I actually had the physical talent to play someday, I would rather
play FS. My body is more suited for it
being 6’0” tall (of course I would need to bulk up about 50lbs since this
cancer has left me hovering at only 150lbs right now, and I would need to work
on my vertical and speed), but I do think I have the natural intelligence to
play the position.
(exiting dreamland and back to reality) lol
Anyways; after reading part of his book, I started to
think, well what can I do right now, I am all pumped up, I need to do something
with all this energy and so I told myself I would try and run “the loop” as my
Pop-pop calls it. I went to my room and
changed; put on my under armour boxer jocks and shorts, last year’s Beach to
Beacon race shirt, a bandana, and my LiveSTRONG bracelet (seemed fitting
=P). I got a water bottle ready and
turned on the iMapMyRun app on my phone and put them in my backpack, did half of my
goal for pushups and set forth on my journey; I suppose to try and push myself
into giving me the freedom of some type of normalcy that I strongly miss.
Man, when that heat hit me, it felt amazing. I could feel the cells in my body reaching
out for its warmth. I walked up a small
hill, took a left turn and started to run.
It felt so good! …for about 5
minutes haha. Quickly my heart, my
lungs, and my leg muscles began to scream at me, yelling, “what the heck are
you doing you crazy man, we aren’t ready for this quite yet!” I remember praying to God around this moment,
“Lord, be with me. Please grant me the
strength to accomplish this”. I ran the
first mile and had to stop. It made me
really mad; I kept battling within myself if I should even stop or just push,
but then wisdom hit me and I realized that passing out on the side of the road
wasn’t worth the 3 mile journey. I
stopped because I could feel a pain in my heart, my neck tensing up, and my
head and hands frequently tingled. In
fact, they tingled throughout much of my “run”.
It felt really good though, to feel free and run again, even with how
much my body was being tested. I also
found out that Southern Maryland is pretty friendly because about 75% of the
people I waved to that drove past me waved back; I even got a car honk! =PThe “run” took a lot out of me. After resting on the floor for a bit, I did the rest of my pushups and took a shower because I was drenched in sweat. My body was completely exhausted and I fell asleep after the shower until dinner time. I remember feeling pretty weak when I woke up so I took my blood pressure just as a precaution; it was only 91/61 which is not very good. Dinner helped a lot though, and I regained my energy. I do have to say that today I am very sore but it was worth it. I actually feel better today and I have decided to make it my goal to try and run the route between each of the rest of my chemo treatments; however I will be sure to not run on such hot days in the future.
Part of why I needed to do this, was just for the general
health of my psyche. Cancer sucks, no
doubt about it. It turns your life
upside down! Lance says this early in
the book; “I won’t kid you. There are two Lance Armstrongs, pre-cancer, and post. Everybody’s favorite question is ‘How did
cancer change you?’ The real question is
how didn’t it change me? …… The truth is that cancer was the best thing that
ever happened to me. I don’t know why I
got the illness, but it did wonders for me, and I wouldn’t want to walk away
from it. Why would I want to change,
even for a day, the most important and shaping event in my life?” I can relate to those statements SO much. Of course I wish it didn’t take
cancer/heartache to bring about all the changes I am currently undergoing,
because it can be very hard, but I can see so much how it is affecting me in
such a positive way. For me, it is also
God who is changing my life. My faith
has been established, which I have always had, but never really embraced until
around the end of October of last year.
A lot of the events that have taken place since then have included a lot
of trials which are not fun at all, but I am able to find purpose in
each of them.
God is really working in my life right now and changing me. One of the biggest things as I have mentioned before is that He is trying to teach me more about trust; starting with trusting Him. It is the most important and hardest lesson for me to learn. I have tried to control things in my life for a long time; mostly out of fear. Learning to trust God, a being who I cannot even see is my ultimate test of trust. Once I am able to fully do that, it will enable me to be trusting with all the aspects of my life. It will be really healing for me actually.
God is really working in my life right now and changing me. One of the biggest things as I have mentioned before is that He is trying to teach me more about trust; starting with trusting Him. It is the most important and hardest lesson for me to learn. I have tried to control things in my life for a long time; mostly out of fear. Learning to trust God, a being who I cannot even see is my ultimate test of trust. Once I am able to fully do that, it will enable me to be trusting with all the aspects of my life. It will be really healing for me actually.
This was today’s devotional in Jesus Calling; I felt like it was made for me today and what I have
been struggling with:
“Bring Me all your
feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have. Fear and anxiety still plague
you. Feelings per se are not sinful, but they can be temptations to sin.
Blazing missiles of fear fly at you day and night; these attacks from the evil
one come at you relentlessly. Use your shield of faith to extinguish those
flaming arrows. Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. If you
persist, your feelings will eventually fall in line with your faith.
Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn't there. Anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear; a monstrous stepchild. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.”
Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn't there. Anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear; a monstrous stepchild. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.”
“See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and
not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; He has given me
victory.” – Isaiah 12:2
“Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will
be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will
still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the
body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from
the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold
up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on
salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word
of God.” – Ephesians 6:13-17
“This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare
to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying
if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness;
we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is
in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus,
his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” - 1 John 1:5-7
Trust is so important, hence probably why it is the
toughest lesson for me to learn. It sometimes
is the hardest thing to do, but also the most important. If you can’t trust, you live in a
world filled with anxiety and fear; it’s one of the worst places to be in... trust me, I know. Trust is one of the most delicate things in
this life. It is so pure and
special. Once you break it though; it
can be almost impossible to gain it back; it definitely is something that has
to be earned more often than not. I don’t
know why it has been so hard for me to just blindly trust things in my life; I
could take a few guesses, but it’s not really worth wondering why. What is more important to me is to continue
to seek God in trusting Him with my life.
I know I can trust Him because He is good, He loves me unconditionally
and He is worthy. It comes down to
having Faith in Him. You can’t have one
without the other. I just gotta ‘let go
and let God!’ There is so much freedom
in trusting the Lord; I am so scared to do it but at the same time so excited. He deserves my trust, for He is faithful and He showed us the ultimate reason of why we should trust in Him because He showed us the ultimate showing of love; Jesus dying on the cross for us all.
“Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and He
will help you.” – Psalm 37:5
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." - James 1:2
"Faith grows only as it is tested. It is through the dark experiences of life rather than in its lightsome joys that our faith rises to new heights. Such experiences will develop in us a more restful confidence in our heavenly Father's love and providential care." - J. Oswald Sanders
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." - James 1:2
I challenge you all this week if you are struggling with
trust to find comfort in knowing that God has you in His loving hands and that
you don’t need to fear for God is Good and I hope that my small amount of
determination yesterday will bring you inspiration in any battles you may be
facing right now; YOU CAN DO IT! Even if
you don’t achieve your goals right away, never stop trying!
God Bless you all!
Love in Him,
-Matthew =)
Today’s Blog Playlist:
3 comments:
Hi Matthew,
I am happy you are taking such great care of yourself. If you are ready, you should read Meg Wolffe's Becoming Whole. It is about her struggle with cancer and how she finally cured herself through a plant based diet called Macrobiotics. It is VERY powerful. I have personally witnessed many people heal from cancer once they went macro. Even people with stage 4 cancers. You are young and strong and can beat this. You just need to tap into your body's ability to heal and fight. Please read her book and learn about macrobiotics. You will be glad you did. Sent with love and hope.
Matthew, it's so amazing that you were able to do this! Tyler and I just started training to run a half marathon in Maine at the end of September. It is HARD!! Tyler is kicking my butt even though he is the one who was in chemo for three months! It is pretty amazing how God can heal the body. This morning on our run I was really struggling, I kept saying "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and then I rebuked the spirits of fear and discouragement. It is so powerful to run with God. You are doing great!!! Praying for endurance for you to run this race of life. Big hugs!!
Matthew, it is so amazing that you were able to do this!! God is blessing you with a fighting spirit. We just started training for a half marathon in Maine at the end of September. It is hard!!! During our run this morning I had to pray out loud that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and I was rebuking the spirits of fear and discouragement for the last mile. Tyler is kicking my butt, he says he feels 100% normal even though the doctors said it would take him about 6-12 months to feel like himself. God is shining His power through you guys :) Praying for endurance for you to run this race of life all the way through. Big hugs!
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