YESTERDAY I RAN 3.27 MILES IN 100°F HEAT AND DID 50 PUSHUPS!!!
Okay, let me be more honest and rephrase that…
Yesterday I half ran (more like jogged) 3.27 miles
in 96°F
heat (felt like 100°F degrees with humidity) and did 25 pushups before I ran
(19 at once and then 6 more) and then did another 25 after the “run” (15 at
once and then 10 more). =P
Now, maybe this might not seem like much of an
accomplishment, but for me it was. For a
guy who hasn’t ran in about 2 months, has lost about 30lbs over the past 9-10
months (including plenty of muscle), has cancer, is currently undergoing
chemotherapy and is taking drugs/medicines that make him dizzy and lightheaded
at times and that tell him he shouldn’t be in prolonged sunlight exposure, it’s
a good sized accomplishment; one that I probably shouldn’t have done to be
honest, but I needed to yesterday.
What made me think doing that was an acceptable thing to
do? I started to read Lance Armstrong’s
book, “It’s Not About the Bike” and after only 25 pages, I was PUMPED
UP!!! Now you can say whatever you want
about Lance Armstrong, maybe he has cheated and maybe he hasn’t but what you
can’t deny is that the man has been through A LOT and I can relate because when
he found out about his cancer, he was only 1 year older than me; 25 years old. Just after the few pages I read, his life and
determination got me motivated. I know I
am going to beat the cancer inside, I am absolutely determined to live on and
to keep letting God work in me and through me during this time. As ridiculous as this sounds, I started to
envision myself playing in the NFL. I
was so jacked up with raw purpose that I could see myself, after this is all
over, getting coached on football. I
secretly have always regretted not trying out for football in high school because
I love the sport and I love playing it!
I like to play QB and Free Safety.
I like to command the field. I
think if I actually had the physical talent to play someday, I would rather
play FS. My body is more suited for it
being 6’0” tall (of course I would need to bulk up about 50lbs since this
cancer has left me hovering at only 150lbs right now, and I would need to work
on my vertical and speed), but I do think I have the natural intelligence to
play the position.
(exiting dreamland and back to reality) lol
Anyways; after reading part of his book, I started to
think, well what can I do right now, I am all pumped up, I need to do something
with all this energy and so I told myself I would try and run “the loop” as my
Pop-pop calls it. I went to my room and
changed; put on my under armour boxer jocks and shorts, last year’s Beach to
Beacon race shirt, a bandana, and my LiveSTRONG bracelet (seemed fitting
=P). I got a water bottle ready and
turned on the iMapMyRun app on my phone and put them in my backpack, did half of my
goal for pushups and set forth on my journey; I suppose to try and push myself
into giving me the freedom of some type of normalcy that I strongly miss.
Man, when that heat hit me, it felt amazing. I could feel the cells in my body reaching
out for its warmth. I walked up a small
hill, took a left turn and started to run.
It felt so good! …for about 5
minutes haha. Quickly my heart, my
lungs, and my leg muscles began to scream at me, yelling, “what the heck are
you doing you crazy man, we aren’t ready for this quite yet!” I remember praying to God around this moment,
“Lord, be with me. Please grant me the
strength to accomplish this”. I ran the
first mile and had to stop. It made me
really mad; I kept battling within myself if I should even stop or just push,
but then wisdom hit me and I realized that passing out on the side of the road
wasn’t worth the 3 mile journey. I
stopped because I could feel a pain in my heart, my neck tensing up, and my
head and hands frequently tingled. In
fact, they tingled throughout much of my “run”.
It felt really good though, to feel free and run again, even with how
much my body was being tested. I also
found out that Southern Maryland is pretty friendly because about 75% of the
people I waved to that drove past me waved back; I even got a car honk! =P
The “run” took a lot out of me. After
resting on the floor for a bit, I did the rest of my pushups and took a shower
because I was drenched in sweat. My body was completely exhausted and I fell
asleep after the shower until dinner time.
I remember feeling pretty weak when I woke up so I took my blood
pressure just as a precaution; it was only 91/61 which is not very good. Dinner helped a lot though, and I regained my
energy. I do have to say that today I am
very sore but it was worth it. I
actually feel better today and I have decided to make it my goal to try and run
the route between each of the rest of my chemo treatments; however I will be
sure to not run on such hot days in the future.
Part of why I needed to do this, was just for the general
health of my psyche. Cancer sucks, no
doubt about it. It turns your life
upside down! Lance says this early in
the book; “I won’t kid you. There are two Lance Armstrongs, pre-cancer, and post. Everybody’s favorite question is ‘How did
cancer change you?’ The real question is
how didn’t it change me? …… The truth is that cancer was the best thing that
ever happened to me. I don’t know why I
got the illness, but it did wonders for me, and I wouldn’t want to walk away
from it. Why would I want to change,
even for a day, the most important and shaping event in my life?” I can relate to those statements SO much. Of course I wish it didn’t take
cancer/heartache to bring about all the changes I am currently undergoing,
because it can be very hard, but I can see so much how it is affecting me in
such a positive way. For me, it is also
God who is changing my life. My faith
has been established, which I have always had, but never really embraced until
around the end of October of last year.
A lot of the events that have taken place since then have included a lot
of trials which are not fun at all, but I am able to find purpose in
each of them.
God is really working in my life right now and changing me. One of the biggest things as I have mentioned
before is that He is trying to teach me more about trust; starting with
trusting Him. It is the most important
and hardest lesson for me to learn. I
have tried to control things in my life for a long time; mostly out of
fear. Learning to trust God, a being who
I cannot even see is my ultimate test of trust.
Once I am able to fully do that, it will enable me to be trusting with
all the aspects of my life. It will be
really healing for me actually.
This was today’s devotional in Jesus Calling; I felt like it was made for me today and what I have
been struggling with:
“Bring Me all your
feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have. Fear and anxiety still plague
you. Feelings per se are not sinful, but they can be temptations to sin.
Blazing missiles of fear fly at you day and night; these attacks from the evil
one come at you relentlessly. Use your shield of faith to extinguish those
flaming arrows. Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. If you
persist, your feelings will eventually fall in line with your faith.
Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn't there. Anxiety that you hide in
the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear; a monstrous
stepchild. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can
deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will
gradually lose its foothold within you.”
“See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and
not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; He has given me
victory.” – Isaiah 12:2
“Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will
be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will
still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the
body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from
the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold
up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on
salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word
of God.” – Ephesians 6:13-17
“This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare
to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying
if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness;
we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is
in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus,
his Son, cleanses us from all sin.” - 1 John 1:5-7
Trust is so important, hence probably why it is the
toughest lesson for me to learn. It sometimes
is the hardest thing to do, but also the most important. If you can’t trust, you live in a
world filled with anxiety and fear; it’s one of the worst places to be in... trust me, I know. Trust is one of the most delicate things in
this life. It is so pure and
special. Once you break it though; it
can be almost impossible to gain it back; it definitely is something that has
to be earned more often than not. I don’t
know why it has been so hard for me to just blindly trust things in my life; I
could take a few guesses, but it’s not really worth wondering why. What is more important to me is to continue
to seek God in trusting Him with my life.
I know I can trust Him because He is good, He loves me unconditionally
and He is worthy. It comes down to
having Faith in Him. You can’t have one
without the other. I just gotta ‘let go
and let God!’ There is so much freedom
in trusting the Lord; I am so scared to do it but at the same time so excited. He deserves my trust, for He is faithful and He showed us the ultimate reason of why we should trust in Him because He showed us the ultimate showing of love; Jesus dying on the cross for us all.
“Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and He
will help you.” – Psalm 37:5
"Faith grows only as it is tested. It is through the dark experiences of life rather than in its lightsome joys that our faith rises to new heights. Such experiences will develop in us a more restful confidence in our heavenly Father's love and providential care." - J. Oswald Sanders
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." - James 1:2
I challenge you all this week if you are struggling with
trust to find comfort in knowing that God has you in His loving hands and that
you don’t need to fear for God is Good and I hope that my small amount of
determination yesterday will bring you inspiration in any battles you may be
facing right now; YOU CAN DO IT! Even if
you don’t achieve your goals right away, neverstoptrying!
Alright everyone, I know this blog post is long overdue
so get comfy and put on your reading glasses; this is going to be long
one! =P
Since I last posted; a bunch has taken place. I started to lose my hair, I went through my
second treatment of chemo, had some pretty tough days and recently more good
ones and a few “revelations” about life; in particular mostly about my
own. Buckle your seatbelts kiddies, h e
r e W E
GO!!
On Sunday July 1st is when I first started to
notice my hair coming out. I was in the
shower getting ready for church and shampooing my hair. It was actually kind of an interesting shower
before I noticed hair falling out because I was at my cousin Melissa’s house
and she has the shared bathroom set up for her 2 year old Gavyn and thus my
showerhead was a whale spitting water out of his mouth at me lol. I didn’t notice hair in the drain but rather
on my hands as I was rubbing the shampoo through my hair. It was one of those moments were I just
stared at my hands for a long moment and proceeded to take a deep breath. I knew it would happen, but I think a part of
me wished it wouldn’t and it’s one of those things that doesn’t really hit you
until it actually does happen. Like
sometimes how you don’t really realize how much you miss someone until they’re
gone or, specifically for you ladies, you can’t fathom what it feels like to
have a life inside of you until you are actually pregnant. I didn’t cry or anything like that, I simply
stopped rubbing my head out of sheer fear that it would all fall out lol. Once I was out of the shower I started to
inspect and it didn’t look like any had fallen out (thank God for the thick
& coarse hair he blessed me with).
As the days went on I started to realize that I was shedding and just
running my hands through my head would result in strands of hair falling
out. Then one morning I woke up to this…
I had enough. I couldn’t keep watching
it slowly fall out or keep not taking showers lol. I reluctantly made the decision to shave my
head. Thank God because He didn’t allow
me to do it alone. My Dad and my
cousin’s husband Jeromie joined in on the fun with me which definitely helped
to have that support their and both of the hairstyles where pretty awesome as
well. The blonde one who shaved my head
is actually who my Pop-pop always goes to when he gets a haircut so I had met
her a few times and she had already cut my hair twice before this (her name is
Stephanie). We were actually all
laughing and making jokes throughout the whole thing. Below is the before and after pictures along
with a (rather boring so I won’t feel bad if you don’t watch it) short video of
me getting my hair buzzed.
A funny/not-so-funny side note was my Dad getting his
dome butchered by the girl who buzzed his head.
The girl was like, “are you okay? because your head is bleeding” and I
think my Dad responded with something along the lines of “well I guess not; I
have been holding back some tears” lol. Stephanie didn’t even charge me because
I had been there a little over a week before to get a haircut and she thanked
us for brightening up her day.
It’s kind of strange because I am not really losing hair
anywhere else; nor growing hair either.
My facial hair seems to be at a standstill on growth and the legs, arms,
and chest are still standing strong lol.
A weird thing that I learned is that once my hair does grow back after
this is all over and I BEAT THIS THING, is that my hair could grow back a
totally different color and even texture; I’m keeping my fingers crossed that
it stays the same though; I liked my hair.
If you haven’t noticed yet, my mother started a
fundraiser for me because all things pertaining to my situation are becoming a
bit of a financial burden on my family and I.
I can’t work; in fact my doctor has written that I cannot work for at
least 18 weeks if not more, so I have been looking into trying to get some type
of benefits so that I can have some type of money coming in. Dealing with the different services is a bit
of headache, along with all the paperwork.
I have needed to defer my student loans, apply for help with storing my
sperm (Sharing Hope, a part of LIVESTRONG), look into disability or
unemployment benefits, transfer my sperm from one facility to another long term
one, and deal with the numerous medical bills to name most of the stuff I have
needed to do. Plus, I just feel bad
because I can’t really contribute and my family spends a lot of money to see me
and take care of me. It’s frustrating
because I want to work and I want to be able to pay these bills and prescriptions
etc. myself, but instead of letting that all get to me, I try to just focus on
the fact that I am blessed with a great family, great friends, and that there
are options for me to try and get some help from the government. I do need to give a shout out to President
Obama; he may not be the best president we have had but if it wasn’t for Obama
Care I would not be currently insured under my father’s medical plan and would
be royally screwed when it came to all the medical costs. Let me put it to you this way, just one of my
prescription drugs without insurance was over $650 for only 20 pills;
with insurance it was still $80 but insurance clearly took a huge chunk of the
cost.
I met with my doctor to discuss how things were
going before my second round of chemo.
He told me that the results of my echo cardiogram looked good and that
my heart was working just fine and my blood work is pretty darn awesome
considering all that my body is being subjected to right now. We discussed certain things like the drugs I
am taking, concerns I was having etc.
I had just started to feel somewhat “normal” again by the
time I had my second chemo treatment which was on July 6th. My Dad, my Aunt Kelley, and my Aunt Beth
joined me this time. It went pretty much
the same way as the previous time except this time I was less anxious because I
now know what to expect when getting chemo. I had blood work done at 7am,
waited roughly three hours for them to make my chemo cocktail and then received
my treatment around 11am. While we
waited we had breakfast at the hospital cafeteria which isn’t half bad. If you remember from the first chemo
treatment blog post, I had mentioned that I met a woman who was handing out
chocolate cake to people and she was brightening up people’s day. I was determined to do the same at my next
chemo treatment and wanted to make brownies for people; however no amount of
determination can break past my Nanny’s wishes lol. She wouldn’t let me use the oven because it
had been so hot down here recently.
However, perhaps it’s because God had a better idea. The three of us found a local Italian bakery
and walked a couple miles to it from the hospital. There we bought two big boxes of cookies to give
out to the nurses and other chemo patients and I also got to meet and talk to
one of the owners. She was a sweet woman
who is from Venice and talked to me about the town and the wonder foods of
Italy. I promised her would come visit
her and have breakfast with her every morning from now on during my chemo
treatment days (not a hard decision with all the amazing food she made)
No strange things to report during the chemo process and this one took less to
complete; we left around 5pm I think. My
Aunt Kelley and I handed out the cookies and everyone loved them; it was funny
to see the nurses not in my chemo room give us a strange look as they took a
cookie because I am sure they just didn’t expect it. It was such a blessing
to talk with and see the smiles of the other people who have cancer as well…
definitely doing it again next time! Anyways,
what I didn’t expect was to feel the chemo effects as quickly as I did this
time around. Last time I was feeling
pretty good, just nauseous the night of if I remember right, but this time it
hit me kind of hard and within a couple hours.
I was with my Dad at my Uncle Kevin and Aunt Beth’s beach house about 20
minutes from where my Nanny & Pop-pop live.
They were preparing dinner and I started to feel nauseous and
light-headed. I went to sit on the couch
and sat there holding my head as it was starting to pound a little. My Dad kept asking me how I felt and I told him
I just felt weird and weak. I kind of
fell over as I laid down on the couch and that’s when my Dad decided it was
time for me to get back “home”. As I
started to stand up, I could feel it being abnormally harder to stand than it
should be. We got back to my Nan & Pop's, I took a nausea
pill, downed some water and passed out as my Dad rubbed my back.
This past Friday I went back to the doctor a week after
my 2nd chemo treatment to get an IV of fluids to help with any dehydration
that I might be experiencing and I also got some more blood work done and met
with my doctor briefly. My doctor was
very encouraging because he told me that I am handling the treatment quite well
while many people tend to be worse off than how I am doing. He also told me that he is very pleased with
my blood work as most of it is quite good.
(ohhh yeahhh, I am kicking this things butt! My body is strong, my will is strong, and my
heart is even stronger; this cancer WILL NOT destroy me!). The only real concerns so far are my whiteblood cell (WBC) counts. They certainly
have taken a hit from the chemo and it is important to monitor my WBC’s because
they are the disease fighters of my body.
If they get too low, I am at a risk of a really bad infection and
possibly getting fatally sick because my body doesn’t have enough of its own anti-bodies
to protect me from a sickness entering and wreaking havoc on my body. I do take an anti-biotic pill every day and
also an even more powerful one on days 8-15 of each chemo session (when my WBC’s
take the biggest hit) to help my body out.
The doctors and I look mostly at two components of my blood; my white
blood cell counts which are the mature WBC’s in my body and also my neutrophil
numbers as these are immature white blood cells being developed in my
body. I call them my soldiers in boot
camp who aren’t quite ready to hit the battlefield yet lol. To give you an idea of how the chemo has been
affecting me; a normal range from low to high of white blood cell count levels is
between 4500 - 11,000 per cubic millimeter.
On June 6th before any of my chemo started my count was 8710/cu.mm;
the same count from my most recent blood work done on July 13th was
only 2810/cu.mm. Taking a look at my
neutrophils, a normal range from low to high is between 1500 – 7800 per cubic
millimeter. On June 6th that
level was 6530/cu.mm and now on July 13th it is only 1790/cu.mm.
Friday was actually a really fun day. My cousin Melissa brought me up to Johns
Hopkins and she is like my twin in a lot of ways. People at the hospital actually thought we
might be brother and sister and I do kind of look at her as an older
sister. It’s kind of funny because we
are exactly 10 years and 6 days apart from each other but we are on the same
level much of the time. We are both
really silly and goofy and it’s just fun hanging out with her. We can have deep intimate conversations and
then the next moment be total dorks laughing at our goofiness. For example, as we drove back from the
hospital we were jamming out in the car and I started to dance outside of the
car window waving at the passerby’s lol. To side track real quick, while I was
get the IV of fluids I had to leave early, which was fine, because my doctor
said I might not have even needed it this time but it was good to get as a
precaution. I needed to leave before the fluids were finished because
there were so many smells that kept making me feel nauseous. Let me explain, the chemo has made my sense
of smell really sensitive and certain things can make me feel nauseous, like
the alcohol they use to clean the beds and like the woman who was in the chemo
room wearing WAYY too much bad smelling perfume. I also get bloated at times and get constipated…
along with my nausea and cravings for things like milkshakes, pickles, and
bacon covered cheese fries; after talking to a few women, apparently I am
pregnant! =P It was also a really nice day because my
friend Teresa was on vacation in Maryland visiting two of her friends and she
met me in Baltimore and had lunch with my cousin and I. Visits are greatly appreciated folks (hint
hint) ;-).
I took pictures of some of my chemo drugs at my most
recent chemo session, but I had to delete them from my phone because just
thinking about the chemo makes me nauseous now; my body now associates them “as
not a good time” lol. One of the five
chemo drugs is doxorubicin which is nicknamed “the
red devil”. It is one of the
worst chemo drugs, in the sense that it causes a lot side effects and possible
complications. It is bright red and is
injected by my nurse straight into my IV at the top of my forearm; a little
side note: it turns my pee red for like my next two “fluid release sessions”
which is kinda cool/weird lol.
“Acute adverse
effects of doxorubicin can include nausea, vomiting, and heart arrhythmias. It
can also cause neutropenia (a decrease in white blood cells), as well as
complete alopecia (hair loss). A more mild side effect is discoloration of the
urine, which can turn bright red for up to 48 hours after dosing. When the
cumulative dose of doxorubicin reaches 550 mg/m², the risks of developing
cardiac side effects, including CHF, dilated cardiomyopathy, and death,
dramatically increase. Doxorubicin cardiotoxicity is characterized by a
dose-dependent decline in mitochondrial oxidative phosphorylation. Reactive
oxygen species, generated by the interaction of doxorubicin with iron, can then
damage the myocytes (heart cells), causing myofibrillar loss and cytoplasmic
vacuolization. Additionally, some patients may develop PPE, characterized by
skin eruptions on the palms of the hand or soles of the feet, swelling, pain
and erythema. Doxorubicin may interfere with the normal menstrual cycle
(period) in women and may stop sperm production in men. Doxorubicin may
increase your risk for developing leukemia (cancer of the white blood cells),
especially when it is given in high doses or together with certain other
chemotherapy medications and radiation (x-ray) therapy. Due to these side
effects and its red color, doxorubicin has earned the nickname "red
devil" or "red death.”
I haven’t talked too much specifically about my chemo
drugs because as you can read, it’s kind of depressing lol.
I’m starting to notice a pattern now after two chemo
treatments where that first week or so after chemo just sucks; but on the
bright side, it was not as bad this time compared to the first week of my first
treatment. I didn’t have a really hard
night where my body ached a lot like I did the first time around. This time around I have felt weak still,
somehow got hiccups again (strange side-effect to me) but they didn’t last
nearly as long as last time, light-headed at times but not as frequent, I feel
really toxic still and just strange inside, I sweat a lot more than normally,
especially in my armpits lol (probably because my body is trying to release the
junk in me and we have lymph nodes in our armpits so it kind of makes sense),
and I still have a lot of trouble sleeping; which is partially from the chemo,
partially from the drugs I am on, and from the fact that I drink tons of water
each day to help flush my system out which results in me waking up 2-6 times in
the middle of the night to pee. I did
notice though that by the last week of each chemo session, the sleeping does
get a little better and I am starting to try and limit my fluids a few hours
before bed. Another reason I think for
the lack of sleep is that I have had a lot on my mind…
I try not to get too much into how I am doing emotionally
and mentally because I like/want/need to stay positive, but to be honest, I do
get depressed and I was depressed a lot this past week. When I feel really beaten up from the chemo
drugs and my body is at its worst each week; when I am the most limited
physically, is when I tend to really feel down.
(prepare for a vent session =P)
I don’t have my car, and even if I did, I am not allowed
to drive by myself. I try to do some
exercises or go for a walk, but I get winded just from walking uphill and
sometimes I feel so weak or fatigued that all I want to do is stay in bed; plus
because of the state of my body and because of a certain anti-biotic that I
have to take every day, my exposure to the sun has to be quite limited. If I got sunburnt it could actually become
permanent. I also can’t get too hot
either. I tend to feel really hot in my
core a lot or sometimes my head feels really hot and if I got a temperature
above 100.4°F
I would have to rush to the hospital; luckily though whenever I feel hot and
take my temperature it has always been right around normal. I live with my grandparents, which I thank
God for because it truly is such a blessing, however, it can be quite taxing at
times to live with people who are almost 60 years old than me; but if anything,
it’s God’s way of making me even more patient than I already am lol. I get lonely and feel isolated
sometimes. I have some family here, but
they all are busy living life so it’s not like I can just see them whenever I
want. They have to come to me or I have
to be chauffeured to them; with my main chauffeur being my 82 year old Pop-pop;
who can drive, but at his age, he shouldn’t have to as much as he has been
doing for me. I appreciate them a lot
because they are doing so much for me to accommodate this sickly and goofy
young man in their home. I miss my
friends, I miss my independence, I miss my health, I miss normalcy, and I miss
my ex-girlfriend; a lot. This situation
has been extra hard for me because not only is my body and mind being tested,
but my heart is in agony as well. Now
before I get into this, I need to say that my ex-gf is an AMAZING woman and she is not making this harder for me in
anyway at all. It’s just my own feelings
and emotions that are associated with my current state of heartache that brings
me great suffering and pain. Simply put;
I miss her dearly. Just thinking about
the mess of a situation her and I’s relationship has become is bringing me to
tears right now... Some nights I can’t sleep because my mind is racing with so
many thoughts: “I wish I could hold her
in my arms again and softly kiss her forehead”, “I wish I could still be a part
of her life”, “I wonder how her day was today”, “why aren’t we together and why
did this have to happen”, “I wish she were here with me and I could tell her
she is beautiful”, “I wonder how she is doing; I hope she is okay and smiling
that gorgeous smile of hers a lot”, “does she think of me and miss me too”, “I
regret so much the things that I did that hurt her; please God, give me a chance
to make it up to her by being this new man you have/are creating me into”…
to name a few; no need to go too much into it, you get the gist. I miss seeing, talking, and spending time
with her; I miss being someone in her life that brought her joy and could make
her smile. I miss being there for her
and being her man. She became such a
close friend to me; my best friend really.
I get frustrated, angry, sad, depressed and sometimes cry because of it
all. Feelings of regret and guilt
sometimes consume me; because I have learned so much from our break up and see
why God allowed it happen; but now I want so badly to make up for not being the
best man I could have been for her… I struggle in trying to let her go and
giving her the space she has so desperately needed for the past 6 months,
mostly because I don’t really even want to let her go and have to spend our
lives not together. I don’t want to live
my life not being by her side; loving her, supporting her, comforting her,
respecting her, honoring her; so trying to get my heart and mind to sync up is
almost impossible. I have come to the
realization that someday if I truly must move on for good and be with someone
else, I will never stop loving her. She
is going to have a special part of my heart that won’t ever be able to be
erased. Frankly, to be honest, some days
the heartache is so much more painful than all of this cancer business; I think
it equates to the fact that I really love her, but ultimately I rather have her
be happy and have what’s best for her than for her to be with me and not
experience the same joy she brings me.
If it is not her choice to share her life with mine then I just have to
accept that and love her in whatever way is best for her, even if that means
having no relationship with her. It is
just so hard; I mean it’s nothing like this cancer business; I certainly don’t
love the tumor inside me lol.
I couldn’t sleep again last night with all the things on my
mind and decided to pray and listen to a sermon to try and ease my
spirits. At 2:30am this morning I listened
to Trial and Jesus and I have to say; it relates a lot to exactly how I
am feeling right now in many ways. This
is really hard and Pastor Mark Driscoll doesn’t
downplay how hard the trials of life are but he ended it with such a fire that
Jesus is with us and we can rejoice in the hardships of life. It got me
all pumped up to finish this blog lol and am now up in the wee hours of the
morning doing so. Definitely take a
listen to it if you can; it’s a really good one. Fast forward to around the 8th
minute though because that is where the sermon actually starts.
One of the devotionals I am reading is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. On each day for a year she wrote the words
and scriptures she felt Jesus lovingly laying on her heart. On July 9th
she wrote: “STOP WORRYING long enough to
hear My voice. I speak softly to you, in
the depths of your being. Your mind
shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious
confusion. As my thoughts rise up within
you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry. Thus, My voice is muffled, and you hear only “white
noise”. Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind
so that you can think My thoughts. This
ability is an awesome benefit of being My child, patterned after my own
image. Do not be deafened by the noise
of the world or that of your own thinking.
Instead, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Sit quietly in My Presence, letting My
thoughts reprogram your thinking.”
Read: Deuteronomy 30:20; Genesis 1:27, and Romans 12:2.
On July 15th she wrote: “Do Not Worry About Tomorrow! This
is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights, so
that you would have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but
its sufficiency is for only one day at a time. When you worry about the future,
you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under
this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry. Throw off this oppressive burden with one
quick thrust of trust. Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your
brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm
your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy My Presence continually
by trusting Me at all times.” Read: Matthew 6:34; 2 Corinthians 12:9, and Psalm 62:8
For me, these are both helpful reminders for me to find
rest in God’s presence when the cogs in my head won’t stop turning lol.
God has blessed me with a great new friend down here in
Maryland; the pastor’s wife of my Nanny & Pop-pops church. I first met her at a father’s day potluck
lunch that their church was having and she talked with me and some of my family
for a couple of hours that day. We noticed
a special connection and now are starting to develop a great friendship. We are very similar in a lot of ways and what
makes our friendship so unique and special is that she is a breast cancer
survivor; going on 4 years now if I remember right. It is amazing because not only can she relate
to me on a personal level as we have similar personalities and views but she
knows in a lot of ways exactly what I am going through right now when it comes
to my battle with cancer. The time I get
to spend with her is priceless. It
provides me with someone I can hang out with since all of my other friends are
elsewhere and our new friendship gives me someone I can just talk with and receive
a lot of wisdom from because she is a cancer survivor and a Christian woman who
shares in my faith. The other day I got
to hang out with her and as she enforced how important it is to stay positive,
something from the conversation got me thinking. She asked me to focus on what makes me happy;
like a “happy place” to go to when things get tough. Immediately the first thing that came to my
mind was a night when my ex-girlfriend was snuggled up in my arms and falling
asleep on my chest. What was strange was
that once she asked me to think of other things since she knows of the
situation with my relationship with my ex; for a few moments I couldn’t think
of anything else. It was like one of those
huge eye opening moments where the light bulb goes off in your head. It made me realize that I kind of “lost myself”
in the relationship; that I placed so much of my happiness on her and I slowly
stopped just simply being great and amazing me.
This wasn’t her fault; it just kind of happened as I had become more and
more wrapped up in my own fears during that time. Now, there is nothing at all wrong having
that moment with her being one of the happiest moments in my life; it was amazing to feel the peace in that
moment. She felt so safe and secure with
me and could rest peacefully in my arms and just the knowledge of that brought me
such a feeling of joy that naturally it was one of the best moments of my life.
That peace is very similar to the peace I now feel when I pray or do a devotional
just focusing in on and spending time with God.
I believe that they both have their separate place in life and neither
one nor the other can fully replace each other because the peace I felt with
her was a very tangible peace as it was mostly derived from a physical
feeling. With God it sometimes is an
even greater feeling of peace for me because it is a spiritual peace felt internally. However, I know now that those moments cannot
be the sole thing that brings me joy and unconsciously to me at the time, she
became my sole joy. What a burden it
must have been for her… No one can live
up to that; only God can be that kind of rock in our lives.
Another devotional from Jesus Calling that was really awesome was on July 10th
and in it Sarah Young writes: “Relax
in My Peaceful Presence. Do not bring
performance pressures into our sacred space communion. When you are with someone you trust
completely, you feel free to be yourself.
This is one of the joys of true friendship. Though I am Lord of lords and King of kings, I
also desire to be your intimate Friend. When
you are tense or pretentious in our relationship, I feel hurt. I know the worst about you, but I also see
the best in you. I long for you to trust
Me enough to be fully yourself with Me.
When you are real with Me, I am able to bring out the best in you: the
very gifts I have planted in your soul.
Relax, and enjoy our relationship.” She also says to read Revelation 17:14 and
John 15:13-15. When I read this, it was
like an arrow straight into my heart; a good arrow though. It felt that way for many reasons and I
am left afterwards striving to allow all of my friendships to be that way;
especially with the relationship I get to have with my wife someday. I want my relationship with Jesus to mimic
the ones I also have here on earth.
This is my time to go through the “valley” as some people
say; to go through a time of trial and suffering, but in it, also a time to grow. A friend of mine told me that he thought God
was testing me early because He knows that I am strong enough to handle it and
that this was “My Everest”. It
(hopefully) will be the toughest climb of the many valleys and mountains that I
will encounter in my life but once I beat this and get through this I will be
so much stronger, wiser, mature, and better because of it. This is strengthening my faith and who I am
as a person. Even though I don’t fully
understand it always and it is extremely difficult at times, it is forcing me to trust
more and more in God and I am growing so much in many aspects of my
life; and for that, I thank Him so much!
I know I am repeating a little of what I have said in previous blogs when it
comes to how God is working through this difficult season of my life; but I am
finding it is for a purpose. In life, we
need to be reminded of things a lot. For
me, I am realizing just how important it is to be reminded of whom God is and
how He calls me to live my life. The
lessons I am learning can’t always be equated to that of, lets say, riding a
bike; once you learn how to do it, you pretty much know for life. You see, life is so much more complicated and
ever-changing; it can’t be compared to riding a bike because it’s just not that
“easy” and we need to be reminded of how we should live it. “Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it
day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then
will you prosper and succeed in all you do.” – Joshua 1:8
“All Scripture is inspired by God and is
useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our
lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God
uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:
16-17
“Such things were written in the
Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and
encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.” –
Romans 15:4
“Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are
truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know
the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8: 31-32
“Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My
Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them. Anyone
who doesn’t love me will not obey me. And remember, my words are not my own.
What I am telling you is from the Father who sent me.” – John 14: 23-24
“But Jesus said, “It is written, ‘Man is not to live on
bread only. Man is to live by every word that God speaks.” – Matthew 4:4
I have come to understand that my relationship with God
is the most important relationship I will ever have; and just like for any
relationship to work; you must put in the time and effort for it to
survive. I need to spend time with my
loving Creator; I need to show my love for Him by studying His word and
honoring Him. Once you get to know the
true character of God, it just starts to make sense. Once you figure out that He loves you unconditionally,
with a love that cannot be matched here on this earth, it doesn’t seem so
strange. Once you come to realize that
all of His teachings are not to take away from the pleasures of living but
rather that He is simply an amazing Father trying to prevent us from any pain
by showing us when the time is right to enjoy each and every pleasurable thing
God created for us to experience.
I recently watched the movie Stranger than Fiction and the ending just really impacted me as it
was a day that I was feeling down. The
monologue at the end of the movie is great and below is it in text form and a
video of it.
“As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he
finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose
ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and
tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when
there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on
our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving
embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose
plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and
maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these
things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only
accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They
are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also
know that it just so happens to be true.”
It helped remind me of the many awesome little joys that can
be experienced in this life and that God is with me. I need to THANK all of you who are reading
this because I feel God in every card & letter you send to me, in every encouraging
message, in every word of support and acts of love and kindness from all of
you. In the books you have sent me or in
the loving phone calls or texts to see how I am doing. I have so much to be thankful for and I just
wanted to thank each and every one of you because it truly does make the days
not so hard and lifts the sorrows that sometimes plague me these days!
“Smile, Enjoy life.
That’s what God put you here to do.
I was sixty years old before I discovered in the Bible that God created
us for His enjoyment and ours; that His wisdom is composed of love, joy, and
peace; and that He delights to give us pleasure.” – Sherwood Eliot Wirt
“the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our
lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
and self-control. There is no law against these things!” – Galatians 5:22-23
There is no sugar coating this time in my life. This is a season where I am in a lot pain,
where I am suffering, where some days it’s hard to see His light; my heart,
mind, body, and faith are all being tested…
Praise the Lord!
Consequently, my faith is growing and I am able to
feel God in all of this; as I focus in on Him rather than my pain, I am
maturing, I am growing and as I am being refined through the fires of my trials
I will rejoice in Him! I cannot escape
the many trials that this life brings but instead of losing myself in the false
“salvations” that I once looked to for comfort, I am leaning on the only true
savior of this world; Jesus. God doesn’t
promise us a life filled without pain, but He does promise us that He will be
there for us as we experience it all and thus we are able to experience JOY even in the darkest of places.
Another devotional (yes I look at a lot lol) that I have
in a Bible app on my phone stated this the other day: “Spiritual maturity is
not something that comes instantly or overnight. While spiritual growth is
absolutely accessible, it requires time and a great deal of patience. Many of
the good things that come to Jesus’ followers are birthed in the oven of
adversity and can be used to lead from hardship to maturity. The Bible shows us
the practical steps used by God leading us on the journey to a deeper
relationship with Him. The journey
begins with our faith being tested (not if but when). Dealing with the testing
in a proper way leads to patience, and this patience, while we allow God to
work, will ultimately bring us to a point of maturity. C.S. Lewis said, God whispers to us in our
joy but shouts while we go through pain. Is there pain or a problem in your
life that could be God trying to get your attention as well as being the first
step leading to your spiritual maturity?”
Life is such a journey; filled with the lows of the
valleys of life and the highs at the peak of each mountain top. I am coming to realize that if I am keeping
the Lord a priority in my life, then my priorities will be taken care of. If I am honoring God, then I will be honoring
all the other aspects of my life; whether it be my relationships, my job, my
finances, my duties as a husband and father someday etc. The wisdom He is imparting on me brings me an
amazing feeling of being loved, peace, and inner joy.
Thank you God for changing my life; and thank you to all
of you who are with me and supporting me during this battle. You have no idea how much it is helping me
and means to me!!
It is so easy to get caught up in fear and the negative parts of life and take
for granted all the good we do have. You
never know when those joys could be gone or end so I challenge you all to dig a
little deep and find out what the joys are in your lives and to simply thank God for
each and every one of them and vow to always do your best in appreciating them
all!
Man, when that heat hit me, it felt amazing. I could feel the cells in my body reaching
out for its warmth. I walked up a small
hill, took a left turn and started to run.
It felt so good! …for about 5
minutes haha. Quickly my heart, my
lungs, and my leg muscles began to scream at me, yelling, “what the heck are
you doing you crazy man, we aren’t ready for this quite yet!” I remember praying to God around this moment,
“Lord, be with me. Please grant me the
strength to accomplish this”. I ran the
first mile and had to stop. It made me
really mad; I kept battling within myself if I should even stop or just push,
but then wisdom hit me and I realized that passing out on the side of the road
wasn’t worth the 3 mile journey. I
stopped because I could feel a pain in my heart, my neck tensing up, and my
head and hands frequently tingled. In
fact, they tingled throughout much of my “run”.
It felt really good though, to feel free and run again, even with how
much my body was being tested. I also
found out that Southern Maryland is pretty friendly because about 75% of the
people I waved to that drove past me waved back; I even got a car honk! =P
