FREEDOM thru Faith

A quick update on how I am doing before I get into writing this post which has been on my heart to sit down and write for a few days now.

I went in for an echo cardiogram on Monday and some more blood work.  It was pretty strange having this guy use a sonogram on my chest, taking pictures of my heart and aorta, making notes about everything he was seeing, AND NOT EXPLAINING ANYTHING TO ME haha.  I have not received any info on the results of those tests yet but I see my doctor tomorrow to go over things and I have been feeling really good the past couple of days so Praise the Lord!!  =)

Someone very special and important to me told me recently that they had been feeling trapped.  It got me thinking; well in fact I have been seeking the Lord and thinking a lot about my life and the events that have taken place in the past 6 months.  I have been listening to sermons, talking to other Christians, talking and praying to God; wanting to find clarity in all of this, asking Him and others for wisdom and understanding.  It’s been a journey and along the way I am gaining some of what I have been seeking.  I have also come to realize that life is a journey where we will always have things happen to us that won’t always make sense and sometimes they may never make sense until the day we die and we are with God in Heaven.  I am realizing that the key during this time in my life, which is one of the many things God is teaching me through all this, is to simply…TRUST!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

It might be a little cliche but I am finding out that there is great freedom in embracing that sentence and great honor in embracing the trials of life because I believe that God allows them to happen to create change; there is almost always a lesson to be learned, we just need to be open enough to let Him work and to seek His will during each trial. 

I am having trouble organizing all of my thoughts but here goes…

I have realized that I have been trapped myself; I have been trapped for a long time.  I have been trapped by more than I can even think of right now but what comes to mind specifically is that I have been trapped by insecurity, low self-esteem, and low self-consciousness. I have been trapped by thinking that I was not loved unless I was having sex or that my appearance must equal that of a male model to be a “real catch”.  I have been trapped by the fear of being abandoned; by thinking that to be validated I had to be in a relationship.  Trapped by the fear of failing or making a mistake, that I wasn’t worthy to be forgiven and that even once I had been forgiven, to just be able to accept it. I was trapped by lies such as pornography to replace the intimacy I so greatly desired with a woman (an intimacy that I will not be striving for again until I am married and I can share myself with the only woman I should/want to create that sacred bond with; my wife!). Trapped by thinking I needed the approval of people to validate who I was.  I was trapped by alcohol in thinking it would erase my pain or that I needed to be drunk or high to have fun.  I had no idea what my identity was; I put it in the many “idols” in and of this world.  I placed my hope in things that would always let me down or never really fulfill me.  I looked to be saved and loved and validated and approved by so many different things; but none that could ever “fix” me because they were all fruitless desires. It lead me to be controlling in relationships; thinking that I had to do everything I could to make sure I was loved and make sure there was no way that anyone or anything could take that person away from me… I was a mess.

Fear ruled my life.

…But I WILL NOT let it anymore; I won’t let myself be trapped anymore.
 

Love; love has changed my life.  Real love, the love found in God and in all that He is.  Through Him I am gaining freedom!

I cannot control love or others nor should I even try.  God sure doesn’t try to control us, and that is one of the many reasons that makes Him and His love amazing; it’s pure, it’s freeing, and it’s unending.  The only person I can control is me, and I am finally starting to gain the understanding that I am an awesome & great guy; that all I need to do is be myself to be loved; that I am already loved more than I can understand by my Heavenly Father and that the way God sees me is the only point of view of who I am that I need to be concerned about.

When bad stuff happens to people, they sometimes say “How could God let this happen?”  I believe that God allows bad things to happen to us because He LOVES US!!!  God isn’t someone who is sitting up in heaven choosing to hurt people; in fact I don’t think God “controls” much of anything.  You see, God gave us free will.  He did that because He loves us.  Would you want to be controlled like a puppet?  Being controlled is not love; granting freedom is to truly love.  He gives us the freedom to choose our lives and what we do with them.  Of course He is all knowing and already knows everything in our lives that is going to happen; but let’s not get into that because as humans; we can never fully comprehend what omniscience and omnipotent truly mean.  What I am trying to explain is that true love is freeing and to know God is to be truly free.

I believe that God created us out of love, to love, and to be loved.  In fact, God loves us so much that one of His greatest angels, Lucifer, became so jealous of God’s love for us that this dark angel thought himself better than God and has been trying ever since we were created to separate us from our loving Creator.  Satan tries to trick us with his lies; the sins that are so ever present in this broken world.  We have become so enchanted and bewitched by “the creation” rather than our Creator who made us and created it all for us; to enjoy as He had planned.  Even from the beginning we have come to think we know better than God and have decided again and again to stray away from His perfect plan for what life should be.  With the “help” of Satan, the great deceiver, we have been hurting ourselves ever since with things like hate, lust, greed, selfishness, envy, pride… and the list goes on.    

Parents, I cannot fully understand what it is like to be one yet, but just think of what it is like when your children grow up and start to live their own lives.  You have to start to accept that you can’t always be there to prevent everything bad from happening to your children and you have to trust their lives in their own hands.  You really love your kids when you set them free, hoping that everything you taught them has sunk in; not by controlling them and keeping them in a “safety prison”.  You trust them and pray that they make good decisions in their life, and if they don’t, you are always there for them.  Well God is a parent too; to about 7 billion children. God is our father; He is our Heavenly Father and we are all His children.  He has given us all complete freedom to simply just live, hence free will.  He wrote us a book full of all His teachings and lessons to be learned; the Bible.  He gave us an amazing and perfect man who lived among us, to be a role model for how we should try and live our lives, and who died for all of our salvation from sin; Jesus.  He gave us a conscious to help us choose right over wrong; the Holy Spirit.  God loves us so much that He has set us all free in the hopes that we will choose Him on our own accord. 

God is not a dictator...

God will work in our lives, but He can’t until we trust Him; to know that living for Him is really the only way to live and knowing that living for Him is something to be prized, not rejected. I don’t believe God makes bad things happen, but yes, He certainly does allow them to happen, not because He can’t prevent them, but because He loves us enough not to.  I am starting to think that He is up in heaven on the edge of His throne obviously rejoicing when good happens in our lives but also rejoicing when the bad happens as well.  I can envision Him on the edge of His throne in Heaven desperately hoping and waiting for us to come to Him during our trials and so excited for us to choose to use the hardships in our lives to bring us closer to Him; to really know Him, to simply trust in His goodness, in His undying and unconditional love for us, and in allowing Him to work; to comfort, to teach, and to know Him and His great love for us.

“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10

God doesn’t control what happens to us, but He is certainly there for us to help us handle what does happen in our lives. I believe He CANNOT WAIT for us to come to Him in the trials of our lives.  He cannot wait for us to learn and grow, to comfort and love us, and to see us become stronger in our faith and, through Him, in who we are.  Dr. James Dobson once said; “let me urge you not to be discouraged by temporal cares. Accept the circumstances as they are presented to you. Expect periods of hardship to occur, and don’t be dismayed when they arrive. Let us lean into the pain when your time of suffering comes along; knowing that God will use the difficulty for His great purposes. The Lord is very near, and he has promised that your temptation will not be greater than you can bear.”  Notice how he said for God’s great purposes. I think people have trouble trusting God because we are too busy, probably unaware most of the time, being selfish with doing what we want to do in our lives and a lot of the time it just ends up hurting us, others, and God so much.  If we can realize that our God is an amazing God who loves us so much and that by living our lives in the way He intended for us to live them; to just trust Him in all we do and with our lives, awesome things can happen and will happen.  By doing this, it is important to know that trusting God with our lives is not something meant just to be for the good of ourselves, but for the good of others as well because God loves ALL of us. We must strive to be more like Jesus and do what Jesus taught us; we must become more SELFLESS and less selfish and understand that living a life for God isn’t always going to simply benefit us but also benefit many others. 

Imagine a married couple who were both selfless and not selfish.  The husband cared for his wife more than himself and the wife cared more for her husband than herself.  There would be no need to worry about needs being met because they both had their spouses’ best interests in mind… just something to think about

A personal example for me happened this week. On Monday when I was at the hospital with my Pop-pop I noticed a guy sitting near me in the waiting area who was wearing a Maine baseball cap.  As I walked by him I told him that I liked his hat which sparked up a conversation.  He talked some about Maine and how he had vacationed there and loved it and I explained how I had lived there the better part of the past 9 years of my life.  Then, as I should have expected, we started to talk about his cancer.  He told me that he has liver cancer and the doctors have told him it is terminal.  He talked to me about what he has gone through and that even after removing most of his liver, the cancer still came back.  He talked to me about his wife who has cerebral palsy and that he has a 5 year old daughter.  His story was really hitting me hard and impacting me.  My heart started to pound the more he talked to me and my Pop-pop.  I have noticed that a lot of times when this happens, the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me something.  I could feel in my heart, in my soul, that I needed to pray for the man right there in the middle of the waiting room probably full with almost 100 people.  Something was holding me back though; …fear.  What would people think if I just started to pray for this man or maybe I could just do it later that day not in front of people, but the Holy Spirit kept nudging me and my heart kept pounding.  After battling myself, I looked to my Pop-pop and said ‘should we pray for him’ and he responded, ‘I don’t see why not.’  In that moment where God gave my Pop-pop courage, I found my courage too and with it my Pop-pop and I asked if we could pray for him.  As he graciously accepted, I knelt by his chair, put my arm around him and with the other arm lovingly caressed his thin bicep and began to pray.  In that moment where I just let go of my selfishness and ridiculous worrying of what people would think of me, I let God in and allowed Him to work through me.  I prayed for God to heal him; that God comfort him and his family during this hard time and that no matter what happened that his young daughter would always know how much her father loved her… I couldn’t keep my composure, not just because my heart broke for this man but because it was a big moment in my faith.  My Pop-pop finished the prayer and I looked up to see the man crying and whisper “thank you”.  By trusting God, I touched this man’s life and he touched mine… and you know what, after we prayed for him, I noticed my heart wasn’t pounding anymore and I felt this great sense of joy.  =)

“Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!” – Psalm 34:8

PRAISE THE LORD FOR GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!

I have already used this next verse once in my first blog post, but I need to quote it again.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.” - Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s amazing what I have come to feel, to know, to “understand”; by seeking God.  (understanding being in quotations because I will never fully comprehend God’s plan for my life but it’s moments like the one on Monday that show me that I simply need to trust Him because He needs me; He needs me to share His great love through the big, loving, and compassionate heart He blessed me with)

I am such a different person from who I was a year ago.  Although some things will never change about me; like wanting to be a great husband and father someday, with me being a total dork sometimes etc. because God just simply created me to be those things in my life; I certainly have changed in many other ways and I thank God for it!  I am a new man, and by God’s grace I will constantly let Him continue to make me new.  I am delighted because it is all for the glory of God which is ultimately for my good and all those in my life. 

A man named William L. Coleman said, “new events, new challenges, new opportunities, new lives are normal with God.  The Bible is rich with the word ‘new’ because God is not simply dedicated to the past.  God is continuously infusing change into the lives of his people.”

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” - 2 Corinthians 5:17

I know this may sound crazy but I believe I have cancer for a reason and that my relationship with my ex-girlfriend needed to end for a reason.  God didn’t make them happen, but yes He allowed them both to happen.  Yes, He knew it would cause me great pain, but He also knew that I would seek Him in trying to find understanding in it and by doing so that it would change my life; and all for the better.  It is hard to really explain in words, but I can just see and feel God a lot during this time of great trial and tribulation in my life.  My breakup and the love I have for my ex-girlfriend has forced me to really look at why the relationship ended; discovering that there were a lot of things that I have needed to examine, change, and seek His healing on; and ultimately I am becoming a better man for it.  My cancer has given me something that I have no “control” over.  There was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening and in it, He is teaching me to just trust my life in His loving hands.

This season of my life is one that I can now see is a time of growth, of maturity, and of healing: in my mind, heart, body, and soul.

God is changing my life and changing me and I couldn’t be more excited about it!  I wish I could describe it but it’s indescribable, you’ll just have to experience it for yourself.  ;-)

I had to let go of the woman I love and yeah I found out that I have cancer, yet I am rarely too scared about it.  Of course there are times where it is hard to comprehend everything and I get scared and sometimes cry; wondering why and if I will ever find someone as great as my ex to share my life with or if the cancer inside of me will be gone for good someday and once it is, if the side effects from the treatment will be minimal and not permanent. For the most part though, God has given me a real peace about everything and that I will get through this and once I do, I will be stronger and better than ever! 

It’s like I’m becoming ‘Matthew Nelson 2.0’; “we can rebuild him, we have the technology” lol.

By the grace of God, no longer will I let fear rule my life, but rather I will do all I can to allow God to “rule me”.  To allow the understanding that He is amazing, that He wants nothing but good in my life and to live the best life I can possibly live, and that yes there will times of hardship and sorrow, but He will NEVER, EVER leave me nor forsake me.

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” - James 1:2-4

“Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad, for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.” - 1 Peter 4:12-13

“God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” – James 1:12

“And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.” - Romans 8:17-18

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” - Romans 8:28

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” – Romans 5:3-5

No matter what is going on with your life, even when you think you’ll never get through it, know that you will and you can because with God, ANYTHING is possible!

“Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” – Matthew 19:26

If you are going through a tough time right now too, I urge you to seek God during it.  He loves you so much and there is a purpose for what you are going through.  Below are some great sermons that I have listened to recently and a website that might help in whatever you are facing.  All I ask of you is to spare some time.  Each sermon is about an hour long, but they are worth it.  The pastor is Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church in Seattle. At times he can be a little much or go over the top sometimes, but his sermons are full of some really great stuff.

Trials and Faith

Sermons:

Suffering to Serve

Suffering to Worship

Suffering to Learn

Suffering to Bless

I pray that all of you can feel the freedom that I am beginning to experience; that I do not need to live up to any of the expectations the world may try to set upon me, but that the only person I want to live for and like is Jesus.  Whether you believe he was fact or fiction, he is an amazing role model and no matter what you do, he will always love you and through his life and through his sacrifice on the cross, God will always forgive you so long as you believe in him.  God loves us so much, He created us, through His son He died for us, and He wrote us a book to show us how to live, which if we followed, it would save us from a lot of pain that we more often than not, put on ourselves through our disobedience to our loving Heavenly Father; however through Jesus, He will always forgive us.

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” – Isaiah 43:25

“But the Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.” – Daniel 9:9

“But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” – 1 John 1:9

He did it all so that we would not be condemned to live a life filled with agony and to save us from an eternity filled with misery; which is the direct result of not being with Him; He did it all out of love, because that is who God is.

“Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.” - 1 John 4:7-19

My hope is in the Lord, for He is faithful.  To dedicate my life to Him and look upon Jesus as my hero, mentor, and “idol” is, in my opinion, the least I can do; after all, God has already done so much for me!

I challenge you all to be a little more selfless and less selfish; to remind yourselves that you are beautiful just the way God created you and to make someone else feel just as special as you are to Him.

God Bless All of You

Love,

-Matthew      =)

Today’s Songs:

Kirk Franklin – Hello Fear

Unspoken – Who You Are

Switchfoot – Learning to Breathe

Josh Wilson – Before the Morning

For King & Country – The Proof of Your Love

Britt Nicole – All This Time

Cancer Update (9 days into chemo)

A lot has been on my mind lately and I had originally planned to write more than just an update on how I am doing, however I realized that I am just gonna need to make it into two separate blog posts; so since I can't sleep this morning, I decided to at least give you all an update on how things have been since my first round of chemotherapy.

It's been a little over a week now since I had my first cycle of chemo and it has been a lot of ups and downs.  To put simply how I have been feeling; I can almost describe it in just one word: POLLUTED!

Okay, so let's backtrack back to last Friday; the day of my first chemo treatment.  It didn't start off very well.  My Mom, Pop-pop, and cousin Melissa and I all woke up early and got to the hospital around 6:45am and within 30 minutes I was getting blood work done.  Before each chemo session and also in-between treatments I need to have blood work done; before each treatment so that they can make my "chemo cocktails" appropriately and for in-between treatments to check all my levels so they can see how my kidneys are handling things, how my immune system (white & red blood cells) is handling stuff and electrolyte levels etc.  Anyways, so I am getting blood work done and all of a sudden I start to feel kinda funny, my chest got really hot, I felt light-headed, my vision went black, and my hearing started to go.  I felt like I was going to faint... and let me tell you, I hate this feeling.  It's very foreign and strange to me.  Before this year, I had NEVER experienced this.  I have donated blood a bunch of times and have never had any issues in the past whenever I needed to do blood work with a physical.  Yet this year, I have experienced this 3 times; I blame the cancer lol.  It really stinks, although I kept calm as the nurses swarmed around me to make sure I was still conscious, knew who I was and where I was at. I simply was saying to them; "hey ladies, I feel a little weird" and described what I was experiencing.  Apparently in that moment my blood pressure had suddenly dropped from 126/78 to around 84/40... not a good thing.  Needles and blood have never made me feel weird before so I am gonna chalk it up to being so low in weight right now, nerves, and maybe not having a big enough breakfast.  My cousin explained to me that I probably experienced something called a "vasovagal response".  After laying down and drinking some water and juice I was all good again and went to my chemo info class that started around 9am.  Basically for about an hour they told me about what I could expect to experience while receiving treatment and a bunch of info pertaining to possible side effects of chemo and what to do if I experience certain things and gave me things to do to help keep me not depressed and what not.  To be honest, I don't really wanna get into it because it's just stuff that isn't too much fun to think about/talk about but it was good to get myself informed and all very important information to know.  I started to receive my actual chemo treatment around 11am; as it takes the nurses and pharmacists a few hours to get the blood work and formulate the "chemo cocktail".  This lasted for about 7 hours as we didn't leave the hospital until 6pm.  I didn't really experience anything too crazy and they made sure to give me drugs to sort of prevent certain reactions from happening; I can't remember all the drugs they gave me but I know I took some benadryl lol.  The chemo that I am receiving is called R-CHOP and each letter stands for a different drug they are giving me.

This link gives you the name of each drug and you can click on each drug name to learn more about what each one does:  R-CHOP - National Cancer Institute

I slept, ate, and pee'd (A LOT lol) during the first cycle of treatment.  It's pretty weird being connected to one of those electronic IV units and trying to roll it around and go to the bathroom.  During the treatment (well and almost everyday) all of this gives me a strange surreal feeling that you kind of can't believe it's happening; like you see it on TV and movies and stuff and never think it will happen to you, but at the same time I am just "rolling with the punches" and allowing God to just be present during all of this.

I did get some interesting news from my doctor.  When I had my biopsy surgery in CT they told me that I had Large B-Cell Lymphoma which was later better described to me at Johns Hopkins as being called Primary Mediastinal Large B-cell Lymphoma, that it was Non-Hodgkin type and consisted of mutated B-Cell lymphocytes.  I was told that my cancer is pretty rare; that it accounts for around 3% of Non-Hodgkin type lymphoma tumors and that most Non-Hodgkin lymphomas don't start in the mediastinal area.  To make things even more interesting, after Johns Hopkins did their pathology tests of my tumor sample, they found traces of Hodgkin type as well which apparently is "unheard of" and that my cancer is extremely rare.  I gave them permission to study it all they want haha.  I feel like it suits me though; I have never really been "normal", just a big goof ball having an over abundance of energy, craziness, affection, and love.  A rare, special and unique cancer for the same type of person; that's how I look at it!  =)

I was feeling pretty good after the treatment and was hungry all day throughout it so naturally I wanted to eat after and we got some Chinese and had some laughs; and that's when the nausea first hit me.  Luckily I had my plethora of drugs that have been prescribed to me during all of this with me (see picture below), took a pill and felt better once I got home a laid down...

...Alright, so I am realizing that I am writing you all a book and giving you all "play by plays" which aren't really needed  =P

I will attempt to summarize the days and get back to what I meant when I said I felt "polluted".

Each day has been different, some days are okay and I feel just weak and tired.  Other days I feel really nauseous but thank God for no vomiting!  There was one day that I just felt like dying, I was nauseous, had a a headache all day (like my head was in a vice grip), and my body felt like it had been run over by a truck; lots of constant dull pain and random moments of sharp quick pain in my sides, back and chest.  Everyday so far I feel weak and tired and just strange and not myself and I feel lightheaded a lot; especially when I get up from laying down.  I don't sleep very well and get up in the middle of the night often to pee.  I was trying to explain it to my Mom what it's like and I just feel polluted; I feel so toxic from all the drugs and some days I do kind of feel like my body is slowly dying.  I know it's just the drugs though (since they are not only killing cancer cells, but also my good cells), there are just so many and I never liked to take drugs before this so it's uncomfortable for me but I know need to do what the doctors tell me to do.

Some days I just feel useless... I might be a guy who is comfortable showing his feelings but I am not someone who handles being physically impaired very well.  I want to go running or ride a bike or go to the gym or just drive and see people/places; but I literally can't.  It's hard to get used to, but I am doing my best to just take each day ONE AT A TIME and allow God's grace to hit me.

I needed to go to the hospital again on Friday because my blood pressure was pretty low one night and had a headache that lasted for two days.  They thought I was dehydrated even though I am drinking TONS of water.  The IV of fluids I received was apparently exactly what I needed.  I immediately felt better after and have been feeling pretty good the past few days.  They needed to do blood work again which went better than last time but the nurse said she couldn't get blood to come out (apparently from my dehydration) and kept moving the needle around inside my vein... not fun lol.  However, the results were very positive!  Almost all my levels were still in normal ranges  =)

I gotta be honest and say it is hard to be at the hospital, I kind of dread going; not just because of what I am going through but there are SO many other people going through it as well and some of them are doing much worse than I am.  It just breaks my heart, I want to do something for them.  It's so sad but I decided I am going to bring brownies next time for everyone in the chemo room. The other day when I was there for the IV of fluids, I met a woman, in her late 20s I think, whose mother was in there and we talked a bit and she had been given chocolate cake as gift from a friend of hers who worked in the hospital to give to the people receiving treatment and I gotta say, it was really nice.  It was a way to bring a smile in such a depressing place.  Also on the bright side, all the nurses like me =P.  I'm someone who has issues thinking highly of myself and am someone who will never be "cocky" but they all said they love my attitude and upbeat nature during all of this and when I came back they were all like "Hey Matthew!".  It is such a good feeling to know I am brightening up someone's day, they definitely did the same to mine.  Of course, all the nurses got a hug before I left and I thanked them all; I'm telling you guys, hugs are awesome... do it more to one another!  =)

God is definitely blessing me and shining His light throughout this and oh how I need it.  I need Him everyday.  He is keeping my head level as I am learning to just trust Him in all of this.

GOD IS GOOD, ALWAYS!  

Alright, my butt is numb now from sitting for so long and I need to eat some breakfast and get ready for church.

I pray you all have a great day today and I challenge each of you to show some love to someone you haven't in awhile or even just hug a complete stranger; you might just make their day!  =)

God Bless you all

Love,

-Matthew

Today's Songs:
I have been listening to a ton of Britt Nicole all week...

Really digging these two specifically:
Britt Nicole - The Lost Get Found
Britt Nicole feat. Lecrae - Ready or Not

AND...

Justin Bieber - As Long As You Love Me
^yeah, can't get enough of this jam right now; judge away but like the blog title says, I am a "Hopeful Romantic"  ;-)

Sterility

Sterility, it's not something I thought I would ever need to think about.  The question of whether or not I would be able to have my own children.  As I have learned more about my cancer treatments, specifically the five different chemo drugs that will aid me in fighting off this abnormality in my body, I found out that there is a chance (generally a small one) that I could become temporarily or even permanently sterile from this process.  It's very strange to think about or even digest.  In order to try and protect my ability to father my own children someday, I had to go to a fertility center today; also a very weird thing.  To be honest I was not looking forward to it.  It's pretty awkward to have to do and also something that isn't cheap.  Thankfully my parents are paying for it for me which I greatly appreciate.  The good news is, is that I now have some strong little "soldiers" cryogenically frozen for the next year in the horrible event that I do become sterile after chemo.  If I do, then I will have to pay to keep my "little men" frozen until the day comes when I get married and my future wife and I decide to have children, but for now it is just a precaution that I hope will not need to become something long-term.  I gotta say I am a little nervous, but I have faith that everything will be okay in that department.

Tomorrow I begin my chemo treatments.  I gotta be honest and say I am getting pretty nervous.  I don't think it has really started to hit me until now because I have already felt sick for months.  Praise God because He has blessed me with feeling a real peace about all of this cancer business; but tonight I can feel the fear creeping in.  Tonight, I am scared for the first time since finding out I had cancer.  I am nervous about all these drugs going into my body and how they are going to affect me; but I am doing my best to stay positive and remind myself that God has me in His loving hands.  My Mom also flew in today and my cousin Melissa who is a nurse is also staying the night tonight and both of them will be going with me and my Pop-pop (for those of you who don't know, a Pop-pop would be my grandfather on my mother's side lol).  That brings me some comfort and also knowing that I have all of you out there thinking about me and praying for me is very encouraging.  I know I have a lot of people out there who love me and who are there for me and I appreciate every single one of you.  I officially want to say THANK YOU!  Your kind and caring hearts are truly touching my heart and my spirit.

I have to arrive at Johns Hopkins hospital at 7am tomorrow for a bunch of lab work.  At around 8:45am I will be attending a chemo class and at 10am I will be meeting with my nurse to begin treatment.  As this is my first time being administered the drugs, I will be in the hospital for another 6-7 hours so they can monitor me and see how my body reacts to each separate drug... not looking forward to it at all.  I will be bringing a book; hopefully I will be able to read it or maybe I will just try and sleep if they let me.

My Nanny's friend (for those of you who don't what a Nanny is, that would be my grandmother on my mother's side of the family =P) gave her a few great Bible verses for me that have been pretty great these past few days.

"He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases." - Psalm 103:3

"O Lord, if you heal me, I will be truly healed; if you save me, I will be truly saved. My praises are for you alone!" - Jeremiah 17:14 

"I will give you back your health and heal your wounds,” says the Lord." - Jeremiah 30:17a

"My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body." - Proverbs 4:20-22 

I know the Lord has me and He will take care of me; He knows I am strong and my spirit and heart and body can take this.  These trials will only make me stronger; they will teach me and once I beat this thing it will have made my faith even stronger!  I may be weak now, but in my weakness I will find strength, for my God is with me!  Hallelujah!

Until next time, God Bless all of you and I pray you all feel just how loved you are; by your family, by your friends, by your spouse if you have one, and by our Heavenly Father up above.

Love,

-Matthew  =)

Today's Songs of the Day:

Hillsong United - Like An Avalanche (I literally have been listening to this over 20 times the past two days; I just love it... it's so peaceful and powerful at the same time!)

Gym Class Hereos ft. Ryan Tedder - The Fighter (this song is not a Christian song and I don't really listen to "secular" music these days so excuse the language, but this song just pumps me up and fits my attitude tonight... I am a FIGHTER, and I won't back down, I WILL beat this cancer!)

The Beginning (My First Blog Post Ever)

I have never done a blog before, nor have I even wanted to create a blog before; until I found out I had cancer.  I figured that since I would have all this extra time on my hands now, why not?  Perhaps this can be a way of sharing my testimony to people and it is a good way to keep everyone who cares about me updated on my progress during my cancer treatment as well as giving me something to do and share my thoughts on whatever I am thinking about (hope you all don't mind)  =P

To begin; the past year of my life has probably been the hardest/yet most eyeopening and in other ways, perhaps the best so far in my life.  In June of last year I unexpectedly met a wonderful, fun, and adventurous woman.  She fell in love with me and I quickly did the same; once I let go of the small walls I had put in place to try and protect myself from getting hurt.  It didn't take much though, her amazing love quickly destroyed my defenses and I gave her my heart and a commitment (which I wrongly gave because the type of commitment I made inside of myself to her was one that should only be made in the covenant of marriage) that I would have loved her for the rest of my life; no matter what.  At the time, she just made my good life, even better!  However, something started to surface from inside of me that I wasn't even fully aware of; the more I fell in love with her, the more I found myself becoming unhealthily scared to lose her.  I am already a sensitive guy, which in many ways is a good thing (or at least I think so), but once the fear of losing her started to "take over" inside me, I wrongly became reliant on her for my happiness and approval.  I started to get jealous and "controlling" where I would get upset if she hung out with other people and assuming that every other guy was better looking or just better in general than I was.  I started to lose confidence in myself and I forgot how great of a guy I truly am and stopped acting like the great guy that I actually am.  In no way was this her fault, she never did anything to validate these feelings inside me.  It was something that somehow had just manifested inside of me; perhaps from my parents divorce, the fear generated by the knowledge of low marriage rates, my past failed relationships, or perhaps from the years of being teased that I was fat and gay in school.  Basically, I started to see how broken my BIG loving heart actually was and how even though I meant well and I had a lot of pure love to give, it was a love that was quite broken and in desperate need of healing.  Those reasons above and more may have been reasons for my actions; however they are NOT excuses for them.  She didn't deserve this man I was acting like and neither did I.  It's not who I truly am and not who I want to be (nor will I allow myself to continue to be).  Long story short, we continued to date even overseas for about 4 months.  We shared A LOT in those 4 months with one another and we also watched as more and more baggage that we both carried (more so on my end because we didn't get to focus on her much with all of my junk) became apparent.  We tried to work through it all and in a lot of ways, getting everything out in the open really benefited us both greatly.  She started to regain her strong faith and as I discovered mine, we were able to sometimes support each other in that.  We really did a lot for each other in a spiritual sense.  However, in a physical sense, our relationship was dying.  I desperately tried to keep it alive, naively thinking all we needed was to be close again and we could "start over" because now we would have God at the center of our relationship.  However, too much damage was done and she put up her "shell of protection" as I call it because I was in a place where I didn't protect her; I couldn't at the time.  I still moved my life to where she grew up to be there when she came home and things were okay for a few weeks but she quickly admitted to me and herself that she no longer was in love with me anymore.  I was devastated.  I had hoped with everything I had that we could make it work, as long as we did it together with God; because with God ALL things are truly possible.  I believe that with all of my heart.  However, it takes two for a relationship to work, and only one of us was in it.  The next four months were the most painful of my life as everyday I watched the woman I loved slowly separate herself from me while emotionally and physically distancing herself from me as I desperately tried to show her I was different and that God was changing me in the hopes that she would have a change of heart and not only see who I was but be able to fall back in love with who I was... however, I was heartbroken and I couldn't truly be myself.  To this day I am still heartbroken and working my way to trying to become myself again.  It's not an easy task when you dream of marrying someone and then that dream gets crushed.  To make things worse, about 3 weeks ago I found out that I had a large tumor in my chest and was recently diagnosed with having cancer, specifically lymphoma.

However, it's not ALL bad!   There is a lot of good that has come of this...

As I briefly alluded to above, the woman I love regained/re-found her faith and nothing is more important to me than having the woman I love (whoever she ends up being) than for her to have a great relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; and I discovered Jesus for the first time in my life.  I had grown up going to church for much of my childhood but just as a child would, I never really understood what living for Christ really meant.  It wasn't until I got fed up with my brokenness and hurting the woman I loved that I surrendered to our loving Savior and said that I no longer wanted to live a life without Him; a life that was full of pain and fear.  It has not been an easy journey at all; in fact it has been the hardest road I have ever been on, but I thank God for it.  I do not understand it; I do not understand why my ex and I cannot begin again or why I have cancer at the age of 24; right when I was trying to start my own life after college, however, one of the MANY things I have learned throughout all of this is that life hardly ever "makes sense" and that God has a plan for me, a good plan for me, and a plan that I will never fully grasp.  There are a few Bible verses that have brought me some comfort in this time among many others.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." - Proverbs 3:5-6

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold; though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." - 1 Peter: 1-6-7

 

I still struggle with all of this, but I can see how the Lord has been working through me; especially in these past 5 months.  My love for my ex and now since I am no longer the man in her life; my love for God and for myself has forced me to really examine who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.  Praise the Lord because I have done this seeking the wisdom of my loving heavenly Father.  It has been a process; and I know it will be a process that will continue for the rest of my life, but He is healing me and remaking me and I know that as long as I seek Him and do my best to live a life that models Jesus, I will live a life that will truly be worth living.  He is helping me to become who I have always been and who He created me to be, and in many ways, I couldn't be happier because of it.  God is making me into a better man than I was, and whether I get to be that better man for my ex, or for another woman down the road once I can move on, I will always be thankful to God for sending me her because He worked through her to help change my life. 

I pray for Love and Blessings to all of you reading this...

Until the next post, I leave you with this:

Think of God not as a "selfish or prideful deity" but rather as a loving and amazing Father who only wants whats best for His children who He loves greatly.
 
God Bless

Love,

-Matthew

Today's Song:
The Afters - Life Is Beautiful