My visit to Maine back in early August was FANTASTIC!! I got to see so many people and reconnect with a few I hadn’t seen or talked to in a while. My friends have been amazing; Nick & Ashley, I want to thank you again so much for paying for my flight up to Maine. You both ROCK!! Thank you again to everyone who were my chauffeurs while I was in Maine and to everyone who made the time to see me! (Jaime, Maddy, and Rich Stevens, Nick, Ashley, Ben, Ashton, Barbie, Jordan, Chelsea, Natalie, Nichole, Linda, Robin, Phyllis, Rachel, Sammie, Max, Rachael, Dawn, Jackie, Rhiannon, Tammy, Ross, Liz, Nate, and Tia… I think that is everybody lol). Thanks for making this guy feel so loved! =) My schedule was packed though and I think I pushed myself too much while I was up there and it could have played a part into why my white blood levels were too low when I went for my fourth treatment on August 17th.
My Dad and I drove through the night from Portland into
Baltimore and got there with an hour to spare before my 8am phlebotomy
time. As some of you saw on my facebook
page; we had some issues with me receiving my fourth treatment. It was the first time my blood levels hadn’t
be good enough for chemo; specifically my neutrophils. As you can see from the picture below, they
were PRETTY DANG LOW!!
I couldn’t find my most recent results that included the
day when I actually received my fourth treatment, which was on Thursday August 23rd,
6 days after when I should have had it, but I do remember that my neutrophils had
gone up to 950/cu mm. In order for me to
receive chemo they need to be at the very least 500/cu mm.
This fourth treatment was pretty hard for me to “stomach”. I have noticed that each treatment has gotten
progressively harder for me to handle mentally and physically. It’s kind of like my mind and body have
synced up and fully understand what the drugs are doing to me. I get anxious and a bit unsettled going to
the hospital now; just the thought of the chemo drugs gives me that weird chemo
taste in my mouth and makes me feel a little nauseous. The smell of the office and even looking at
the drugs bothers me. I couldn’t watch
her inject the “red devil” or the vincristine sulfate and hold to
close my eyes and hold my Dads hand. I
actually need to move on from writing about it because it’s just making me feel
sick, yuck! My nurse noticed my evident
discomfort this last time around and asked me what was wrong and I explained to
her what I just wrote above. She told me
that this is actually pretty common with patients receiving what I am receiving
and many tend to throw up before treatments #5 and #6. She said that she could prescribe me an
anti-anxiety drug that would also give me temporary amnesia which helps a lot
with my next two treatments. My first
thought was, “oh great, another drug to add to my repertoire; I don’t really
want any more drugs in my body”.
However, after discussing it with my parents and family more, we have
decided to give it a shot. I am someone
who doesn’t like to take drugs; and even more so now because I have so many in
my system. Even before all of this, if I
got a headache, I would more often than not, just drink more water and take it
easy rather than pop a couple Advil. If
the headache lasted more than one day, then I would take an Advil but only half
the recommended dosage and that would normally do that trick. I think I am sensitive to drugs so I don’t
need a lot. I did get a nice surprise to
have Janice visit me with my Dad this time around. I love her, she is just so awesome; definitely
one of my best friends. She is such a
blessing to have in my life. Other than
that, the chemo went smoothly. I did
need to come back the next day though for a Neulasta shot. This is a shot that I needed to have within
24 hours of my chemo treatment because my neutrophils and white blood cells had
been so low. Neulasta is injected into
my left tricep and is supposed to “jump start” my bone marrow to produce more
white blood cells. We’ll see tomorrow if
it works. There can be some side effects
with it, but all I noticed was that my arms and chest (specifically my ribs)
were sensitive and tender to the touch for about 3 or 4 days during my
first week after the treatment. We’ll
see if it worked tomorrow afternoon when I get my blood results back. I hope it did, because I really want to visit
Maine again in two weeks for Ben & Barbie’s wedding. I already missed one wedding this summer; I
do not want to miss two, especially because I was a groomsman in both of them.
Now me having to push back my fourth treatment was not
something I was happy about. I had been
planning for over a month for Ben to fly down to Virginia so that he and I, and
my cousins Chad and Josh could go to the Redskins vs. Colts preseason
game on Saturday August 25th. Even
though this wasn’t the smartest idea to still go, I pretty much sheer willed
myself to go. Ben was still flying in
and these were AMAZING seats that my cousin got us for the game. They are called “Dream Seats” and we sat two
rows up from the field. We also got free
hot dogs, peanuts, water, sodas, and cookies up through the third quarter of
the game; BONUS! The prednisone makes me
really hungry that first week of chemo so it was perfect for me haha. I think I ballooned up to 170lbs that week
but my weight gain has been pretty steady besides that week. I have gained about 20lbs since starting
chemo which is encouraging; I consistently weigh about 162lbs now. It was a great game and the ‘Skins won which
made it even better; we were even on NFL.com highlights of the RG3 to Moss touchdown since it happened right in front of our seats. Thanks again Chad; you’re the man
broham! =)
After that weekend though I had to just rest; I was weak and very tired after that game for about a week. I started to feel better eventually and did another workout class with Janice. It’s fun and is actually a pretty darn good workout. My legs felt like cement and were sore for 3 days after. Against my own stubbornness, I decided to skip my 3 mile run this week; I don’t want to push my body too hard. I need my white blood cells to be high enough for treatment this time around because I really want to get back up to Maine for the wedding.
I also need to give a HUGE shout-out to my man Cody who has been starting another fundraiser for me in Maine. He has been putting a lot of time and work into it. I also have had done two interviews; one over Skype and the other over the phone with "The Free Press" (my college's newspaper) and the "The Bangor Daily News" respectively. They are doing stories on me to help promote the fundraiser as well as to promote Lymphoma awareness. It affects younger men more than anyone else for some reason so I want to spread that knowledge to other guys in their twenties.
After that weekend though I had to just rest; I was weak and very tired after that game for about a week. I started to feel better eventually and did another workout class with Janice. It’s fun and is actually a pretty darn good workout. My legs felt like cement and were sore for 3 days after. Against my own stubbornness, I decided to skip my 3 mile run this week; I don’t want to push my body too hard. I need my white blood cells to be high enough for treatment this time around because I really want to get back up to Maine for the wedding.
I also need to give a HUGE shout-out to my man Cody who has been starting another fundraiser for me in Maine. He has been putting a lot of time and work into it. I also have had done two interviews; one over Skype and the other over the phone with "The Free Press" (my college's newspaper) and the "The Bangor Daily News" respectively. They are doing stories on me to help promote the fundraiser as well as to promote Lymphoma awareness. It affects younger men more than anyone else for some reason so I want to spread that knowledge to other guys in their twenties.
I have been getting more involved at my church and I am really excited about it! I am going to be co-leading a new connection group for 17-26 year olds with the pastors’ daughter. It is going to be based off of this great book I am currently reading titled Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.
It explores the following: “You
can’t be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature. Even
though Peter was the pastor of a growing church, he did what most people
do:
·
Avoid
conflict in the name of Christianity
·
Ignore anger,
sadness, and fear
·
Use God to
“run” from God
·
Live
without boundaries
Eventually God
awakened him to a biblical integration of emotional health, a relationship
with Jesus, and the classic practices of contemplative spirituality. It created
nothing short of a spiritual revolution, utterly transforming him and his
church. In this book Scazzero outlines
his journey and the signs of emotionally unhealthy spirituality. Then he
provides seven biblical, reality-tested ways to break through to the
revolutionary life Christ meant for you.
The combination of emotional health and contemplative spirituality,
he says, unleashes the Holy Spirit inside us so that we might
experientially know the power of an authentic life in Christ”.
One of my favorite excerpts so far from my reading is the
following:
“God made us as
whole people, in his image (see Genesis 1:27). That image includes physical,
spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and social dimensions. Ignoring any aspect of who we are as men and
women made in God’s image always results in destructive consequences; in our
relationship with God, with others, and with ourselves. If you meet someone,
for example, who is mentally challenged or physically disabled, his or her lack
of mental or physical development is readily apparent. An autistic child in a
crowded playground standing alone for hours without interacting with other
children stands out. Emotional
underdevelopment, however, is not so obvious when we first meet people. Over
time, as we become involved with them, that reality becomes readily
apparent. I had ignored the “emotional
component” in my seeking of God for seventeen years. The spiritual-discipleship
approaches of the churches and ministries that had shaped me did not have the
language, theology, or training to help me in this area. It didn’t matter how
many books I read or seminars I attended in the other areas; physical, social,
intellectual, spiritual. It didn’t matter how many years passed, whether
seventeen or another thirty. I would remain an emotional infant until this was
exposed and transformed through Jesus Christ. The spiritual foundation upon
which I had built my life (and had taught others) was cracked. There was no
hiding it from those closest to me. I
had been taught that the way to approach life was through fact, faith, and
feelings, in that order. As a result, anger, for example, was simply not
important to my walk with God. In fact, it was dangerous and needed to be
suppressed. Most people are either “stuffers” or “inflictors” of their anger.
Some are both, stuffing it until they finally explode onto others. I was a
classic stuffer, asking God to take away my “bad” feelings and make me like
Christ. My failure to “pay attention to
God” and to what was going on inside me caused me to miss many gifts. He was
lovingly coming and speaking to me, seeking to get me to change. I just wasn’t
listening. I never expected God to meet me through feelings such as sadness,
depression, and anger. When I finally
discovered the link between emotional and spiritual health, a Copernican
revolution began for me and there was no going back. This revolutionary link
transformed my personal journey with Christ, my marriage, parenting, and,
ultimately, New Life Fellowship Church where I pastor.”
^pretty awesome
huh!? I love it because I feel like
I have encountered a lot of Christians in my journey so far that think (not
always consciously) that once they accept Christ into their lives, they all of
a sudden can’t be “human” anymore.
Listen, our humanity will not leave us in this life and the sooner we
can accept that simple fact and everything that pertains to that knowledge, we
can start on the road of recovery and truly begin to understand, as much as
humanly possible, God’s AMAZING GRACE
in our lives. Does that mean that we
should continue to be the same people we were before knowing Christ or “being”
of this world; no of course not. God
calls us to be set apart from the world and that we are new creations in
Christ; but we will never be perfect examples of Him. If that were possible, we would have never
needed Jesus in the first place. He gave
us a living example of how we should STRIVE to live our lives, but never
expected us to do it without falling short from time to time; for we were saved
by GRACE not by our works or deeds.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be
transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and
approve what God’s will is; His good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2
“Anyone who believes in Christ is a new creation. The old
is gone! The new has come!” - 2 Corinthians 5:17
“God’s grace has saved you because of your faith in
Christ. Your salvation doesn’t come from anything you do. It is God’s gift.” - Ephesians
2:8
Also, this devotional from Jesus Calling was a great reminder that God is the Great Physician and it brought me encouragement and inspiration
recently.
“I AM A GOD WHO HEALS. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing. However, it is also true that you have not because you ask not. You receive the healing that flows naturally from My Presence, whether you seek it or not. But there is more; much more, available to those who ask. The first step in receiving healing is to live ever so close to Me. The benefits of this practice are too numerous to list. As you grow more and more intimate with Me, I reveal My will to you more directly. When the time is right, I prompt you to ask for healing of some brokenness in you or in another person. The healing may be instantaneous, or it may be a process. That is up to Me. Your part is to trust Me fully and to thank Me for the restoration that has begun. I rarely heal all the brokenness in a person's life. Even My servant Paul was told, "My grace is sufficient for you," when he sought healing for the thorn in his flesh. Nonetheless, much healing is available to those whose lives are intimately interwoven with Mine. Ask, and you will receive.” Check out the verses Psalm 103:3; James 4:2; 2 Corinthians 12:7-9; Matthew 7:7 as they all correspond to this devotional.
“I AM A GOD WHO HEALS. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships. My very Presence has immense healing powers. You cannot live close to Me without experiencing some degree of healing. However, it is also true that you have not because you ask not. You receive the healing that flows naturally from My Presence, whether you seek it or not. But there is more; much more, available to those who ask. The first step in receiving healing is to live ever so close to Me. The benefits of this practice are too numerous to list. As you grow more and more intimate with Me, I reveal My will to you more directly. When the time is right, I prompt you to ask for healing of some brokenness in you or in another person. The healing may be instantaneous, or it may be a process. That is up to Me. Your part is to trust Me fully and to thank Me for the restoration that has begun. I rarely heal all the brokenness in a person's life. Even My servant Paul was told, "My grace is sufficient for you," when he sought healing for the thorn in his flesh. Nonetheless, much healing is available to those whose lives are intimately interwoven with Mine. Ask, and you will receive.” Check out the verses Psalm 103:3; James 4:2; 2 Corinthians 12:7-9; Matthew 7:7 as they all correspond to this devotional.
I also have volunteered working in the office a couple
times doing various things they need done and last Thursday while I was there I
had mentioned to Ryan, the music minister, if he had heard the new Matthew West
single “Forgiveness”. He checked
out and was so moved by it that he added it to last Sunday’s worship
service. He also asked me to join them
for practice later that night. Now I
reminded him that I was only working on one good vocal cord because of the
tumor in my chest and that even before then, I wasn’t the greatest singer. He insisted though that I just come and that
my unique energy would be very welcomed.
I hesitantly and reluctantly agreed.
I got back there later that night and Ryan looked like he had been
crying; he said that he kept listening to the song all afternoon and realized
that there was no way he could teach us this song or sing it if he didn’t let
go of the bitterness he had been holding on for the past 4 years against a few
old friends. He called each one of them
up and forgave them all and asked them all for forgiveness as well. I was so happy to hear that; it just made me
smile and I gave him a big hug!
HALLELUJAH, GOD IS SO GOOD!!! He
told me that it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his
shoulders. He had been freed from the
pain in his past! I was so happy for him
and I gotta tell you, the worship practice was SO MUCH FUN!! I came home so happy and full of joy and
energy. I really love praising God; no
doubt about it! The rest of the band
members wanted me to join them that Sunday for both 9am and 11am services. I was so nervous when I got on stage for the
first service, I was almost literally jumping up and down and I made sure I
told the AV guy to keep my mic turned down low.
I was definitely up there more to use my “body” as an instrument
praising the Lord. The worship at this
church is a little stagnant to be honest and so I was hoping by me being up
there, I could bring a little more life into the praising. In no way am I trying to float my boat
because everyone was AMAZING during both services; the church has some really
talented people in it’s worship team; but when I had a few people after each
service come up to me and tell me that they loved my worship and that I was an
inspiration to them; it truly made my day!
I love how God is using my cancer into something good; not just in my
own life but in the lives of others. I
gotta say that it brought SO MUCH joy. The
three songs we sang are the last three listed below on this blog’s playlist and
directly below are the lyrics to “Forgiveness” that moved me and many other
people that day.
“It's the hardest thing to give away
“It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing
on your mind today
It always goes to
those that don't deserve
It's the opposite
of how you feel
When the pain they
caused is just to real
It takes everything
you have just to say the word...
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the
face of all your pride
It moves away the
mad inside
It's always anger's
own worst enemy
Even when the jury
and the judge
Say you gotta right
to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in
your ear saying 'Set It Free'
Forgiveness,
Forgiveness
Forgiveness,
Forgiveness
Show me how to love
the unlovable
Show me how to
reach the unreachable
Help me now to do
the impossible
Forgiveness,
Forgiveness
Help me now to do
the impossible
Forgiveness
It'll clear the
bitterness away
It can even set a
prisoner free
There is no end to
what it's power can do
So, let it go and
be amazed
By what you see
through eyes of grace
The prisoner that
it really frees is you
Forgiveness,
Forgiveness
Forgiveness,
Forgiveness
Show me how to love
the unlovable
Show me how to
reach the unreachable
Help me now to do
the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally
set it free
So show me how to
see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give
what You gave to me
Forgiveness,
Forgiveness”
I am pretty nervous for tomorrow; I really just hate chemotherapy and am nervous for how the Lorazepam is going to affect me. I could really use your prayers tomorrow!! God is continuing to bless me because along with my Mom, Janice and Ryan are gonna visit me in the hospital tomorrow. #SOTHANKFUL
Many of the devotionals in Jesus Calling have been helping me through this battle; especially
this one before tomorrow.
“TRUST ME in the
midst of a messy day. Your inner calm, your Peace in My Presence, need not be
shaken by what is going on around you. Though you live in this temporal world,
your innermost being is rooted and grounded in eternity. When you start to feel
stressed, detach yourself from the disturbances around you. Instead of
desperately striving to maintain order and control in your little world, relax
and remember that circumstances cannot touch My Peace. Seek My Face, and I will share My mind with
you, opening your eyes to see things from My perspective. Do not let your
heart be troubled, and do not be afraid. The Peace I give is sufficient for
you”. Check out the verses John 16:33; Psalm 105:4; John 14:27 as they all correspond to this devotional.
This upcoming week, I challenge you all to seek Forgiveness. Ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt,
seek forgiveness from those who have hurt you, and above all do both in prayer
with God. It isn’t worth it to hold onto
the bitterness and pain that weigh you down.
Forgiveness does not justify what the person did in any way, but without
it, you can be holding down that person AS WELL AS yourself. And if needed, do it more than once. God calls us to forgive as many times as we have to.
“Then Peter came to Jesus and said, ‘Lord, how many times
may my brother sin against me and I forgive him, up to seven times?’ Jesus said
to him, ‘I tell you, not seven times but seventy times seven!” - Matthew
18:21-22
I love you all!
God Bless
-Matthew =)
Blog Playlist:
Lecrae ft. Suzy Rock – No Regrets <----CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THIS JAM!
